Frankie's Advice - Dispatches from the Field

Mar. 31, 2006. 07:58 AM

JUDY STEED, Feature Writer

The singles dance was planned for Saturday night.

Suya, 42, our filmmaker/ESL instructor, was planning to go, but when the time came she almost changed her mind. It was raining and she wasn't in the mood. "On the bus ride up, I was even thinking of not getting off the bus. But when the driver called out my stop, I felt I had to get off."

She had never been to a singles dance before and was amazed by the crowd that showed up for the Single Professional's Network shindig at the Crowne Plaza Hotel: 350 people in a huge ballroom with adjustable lighting - the lights go down as the evening goes on and a DJ playing music.

The owners of the network, Peter Finch and his wife Diane, greeted everyone. Peter told the men to "make sure you ask someone to dance" and steered the Star's Get A Relationship participants to a table reserved for them. They were having a lot of fun together, Peter observed.

"They've got a real rapport going. It looks like they'll be friends for the rest of their lives."

That's how Suya feels. "All of you are just awesome!" she wrote. "You are now my singles' posse. We probably had the most fun at that joint of all the people there. Wow! I had a blast. Thanks, Frank, for daring me to get out of my comfort zone."

Frank, 54, a call centre consultant, is experienced with singles events. He observed Suya's nervousness. "I don't think I can do this," she fretted to him. "I've never asked a man to dance. What happens if he says no?"

Frank said he'd pay her $10 for every man who said no. Needless to say, he didn't have to pay.

"She was great. She didn't care what direction she was facing," Frank says. "She wasn't choosey, she just got out there and did it."

Suya had a major breakthrough. After asking the first man to dance, it was "a piece of cake" to ask others. "No one said no. In fact, they asked me to dance plus new guys asked me to dance. I was dancing for most of the night. Some (men) wished to see me again either at the (future) dances or for a date. Some asked for my number but I didn't give it out, instead I asked for theirs. Just in case ... safety."

She was impressed by how nice the men were. "No sleazy pickup lines, no groping, no drunken men slobbering all over me. I danced with young guys, guys who looked around my age (42) and all the way up to grandfather types. I danced with short and tall guys, skinny and overweight, all ethnic backgrounds, shy and talkative ones, you name it - I danced with them. By the end of the night, I was pooped. I left the evening feeling high as a kite. Plus Diane and Peter and their staff were gracious hosts."

She came home with three phone numbers, but she wants to "take it slow," finish reading Dr. Phil's book Love Smart, and have her first private relationship coaching session with Frankie Doiron (http://www.frankiedoiron.com) before she calls anybody.

Diane, 53, an ESL instructor, says she "circulated a fair bit, was asked to dance a number of times and, after a glass of wine, kicked back and enjoyed myself."

She noticed, however, that the men "were frowning, scowling and brooding. Gentlemen, please, lighten up, unfurrow that brow."

Ellen, 46, a music teacher/opera singer, felt the crowd was "too old" and somewhat "outdated" and "inappropriate" in their manner of dress.

Kevin, 40, who teaches high school students how to cook and plays in a big band on the side, felt inhibited and uncomfortable, as did Terry, 43, a screenwriter/pharmacy technician, who had a panic attack. He found solace in the Star posse, especially with Jaspreet, 33, a PhD student who rejected a couple of "old men" who approached her.

Frank tried to help Terry out. "I got a woman friend to ask him to dance but he refused."

Frank understands how Terry feels. "I told Terry I didn't go out for three years after my divorce," Frank says. "Eight years ago, I was very much where Terry is accustomed to feeling disconnected. You don't know how to function as a single person. You have to build your single life."

Frank has built his, and taking dance lessons was part of it. Married people, he observes, "get out of the habit" of doing all kinds of social things, including dancing.

"When you're married, you go to parties and sit around and talk. When you're divorced, you don't know what to do. It's a whole new world out there."

Christina, 36, a teacher/singer, was turned off when a man she thought was older than her father put the moves on her.

And Lorraine, 58, a palliative care physician, didn't go to the dance because she thought it was for younger people.

She has been waiting for Ruth Claramunt, a pioneer in the matchmaking business, to find her a suitable date.

Matchmakers "experts" who meet their clients one-on-one in order to handpick selections are viewed as "elite" service providers. They are pricey, costing upwards of $1,000, but they can't guarantee a match.

There's a mystery to making the elusive connection that feels like a "click." And for older women, there's a hard reality: Fewer men actively look for partners and when they do, they usually want younger women.

But Claramunt has found a match for Lorraine. He's 62, divorced, two grown children, self-employed, well-to-do, and lives in a beautiful home in the suburbs.

He loves cooking, golf, theatre and fine dining. He's well educated, and is looking for a well-educated, active woman.

Claramunt sent Lorraine a letter of introduction to this man and they're arranging to meet.

"He wrote exactly what I wrote," Lorraine says. "It was weird, in terms of what he's interested in and the kind of person he wants to meet the same things I'm looking for. If he's at least half as good in person as he is on paper, he'll be terrific."

For David, 46, a sales manager and father of three boys, the matchmaking process is exciting and somewhat daunting. When Claramunt interviewed him at home, she asked a lot of questions about who he is and what he wants.

"David needs a woman who has lots of energy and would appreciate three boys," Claramunt says. "He told me he had dated a woman who wants children, and he doesn't want any more children. So that's important. I asked him what age bracket and I liked his answer. He said 30s to a few years older than himself, which means he's not looking for a Barbie doll."

Mainly, he wants a woman who can express her emotions, something he's worked hard at. Going through his divorce three years ago, he was counselled by Owen Williams, co-founder of Inner Directions Relationship Centre in the Beach. Williams, who practises Aikido and karate, believes that "relationships require the same kind of discipline, dedication and practice as do martial arts." (Williams will be speaking at a session for our Get A Relationship participants in the near future.)

"With men, you have to provoke them, shake them up to get them out of their shells," says David. "Men don't know how to communicate."

But they can learn. Williams taught David "to tell the truth with caring. Don't use the truth as a blunt instrument."

Last year, David dated a woman he liked but "the chemistry" wasn't there. "In the past, I haven't been honest because I didn't want to hurt someone. But it's better to say how you feel and not lead people on."

Claramunt sent David an introduction to a beautiful, 39-year-old divorced woman who has one child. She's "fashionable but not a Barbie doll," Claramunt says.

When David called Claramunt's "match," they spoke on the phone for 20 minutes. "She's easy to talk to. She has a job she likes, she sounds happy and confident on her own, but ...."

But she doesn't live in Aurora, where David is based and where he's very busy with his three sons' lives.

Still, they're meeting in person this weekend.

Tod, 43, a writer/wine educator, has already met two matches found by Linda Miller of Misty River Introductions, and enjoyed both encounters.

To stay calm, he keeps the initial phone conversations brief, arranges where to meet, and tries to approach the "date" with no expectations.

Ever the diplomat, Tod isn't saying if he's met his match, yet.

Next Story: A Few More Good Men - April 7, 2006

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