Focus on inner self

Mar. 24, 2006

JUDY STEED, Feature Writer

They're off and running.

The burst of energy from our 20 participants in the 2006 Get A Relationship challenge is breathtaking.

Here's how Tod, 43, put it: "Hi - just got a call from another `date' who I'm meeting after work. Then another tomorrow. Then another next Wed. (Who knows what in between.) In fact, I am now busy tonight, tomorrow night, Friday night, next Monday night, Tuesday night, Wednesday night and Thursday night ..."

This is a man who thought no one wanted to go out with him because he isn't George Clooney. He's getting "matched" by Linda Miller of Misty River Introductions, he's received expressions of interest from "outsiders," and he's signing up for other events.

The group is swarming around Meet Market Adventures - hiking, chocolate making, Thai cooking. I'm trying to get them to slow down, there's no rush, we're following them through the singles scene for four months. But they're busy speed dating with 25dates.com. Socializing at Dinnerworks. Hooking up with singleinthecity.com.

All sorts of services are coming at them. There are niche markets we never knew existed. Christina signed up with italmatch.com, which connects people of Italian ancestry.

Through the whirlwind, they're being guided by Frankie Doiron (frankiedoiron.com), our relationship coach, and Michael W., "the Dating Wizard" (thedatingwizard.com), who helps men gain self-confidence in their approach to women.

At Doiron's first coaching session, she introduced her "conscious dating intensive program" and explained to her goal: "To exert the power of the conscious mind to make positive choices, to visualize and create the life you want." She wants people to stop sleepwalking through life, wake up, and figure out what they want.

Identify the "non-negotiable requirements." If you have children, a potential partner must accept children. If you don't want children, the person must be able to live with that. "Don't talk around these points. Don't waste time. Become a chooser."

Seated at boardroom table at the Star, Doiron asked them to not talk about what they do; instead, she challenged them to reveal something of their inner selves. She dumped colourful art materials - fancy paper, feathers, glitter, glue, scissors - on the table and for 15 minutes they worked away. I was skeptical, then fascinated by the artistry and sensitivity they displayed.

When Doiron asked each person to talk about their creation, Diane, 53, opened a blue paper "book" and shared her optimism. "This is the blue sky, my wings are ascending. I'm moving up ..."

Eric, 31, had blown up a green balloon, on which he'd drawn a surprised expression. "The long arms represent me. I'm a big person. The head is large. For me, the mind is more important than anything."

Gilaine, 44, showed off a beautiful pink paper crown. "When I was married, I did all the proper things. Now I want to be the queen of my castle, in charge of my life, having fun with my kids, enjoying the now, being myself."

Barbara, 54, brandished a plate with a smiling face, framed by electric blue hair, attached to long purple gloves. "This is my breakaway year."

Terry, 43, stood up with a twisty, minimalist assemblage of fuzzy pipe cleaners. "This is sculptural," said the former Ontario College of Art student. "To me, it looks like DNA. That's what's important, what's inside."

Veronica, who comes across as a formidable woman, held up a polished stone. "I know I'm the last one to speak. I have a big personality, I could have picked a tiara, but that's not really me. What I really am is a quiet observer, a helper, a rock in my family's life."

Doiron concluded by encouraging them to "step back, get centred and focused" before they rush into the dating scene. "It takes discipline. You might get scared, and think you'll be alone forever, but you're going to gain the confidence that comes with knowing who you are. The right people will come out of the woodwork."

A few nights later, we had a session with the Dating Wizard (thedatingwizard.com), Michael W., 33. He maintains his anonymity in order to accompany clients to clubs and bars without being spotted in the crowd.

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"If you feel worthless, you'll never attract a woman." Dating Wizard Michael W.

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Michael W. teaches men how to be effective in their approach to women. (He allowed female participants to attend this session.)

"There are guys who will go to a bar and buy a drink for a girl. She'll take the drink and laugh and think, `Oh, this loser likes me.' Some men give away too much too soon."

Having struggled himself to connect with women, he understands the problem, the "neediness" of men, the way they turn into "bumbling fools around women." He learned to "not look to women for validation." It was "a complete paradigm shift," in thinking and appearance. (Yes, clothing is important. "Men can dress like slobs.")

He referred to psychologist Abraham Maslow's "hierarchy of needs," with self-actualization and self-esteem at the top. "If you feel worthless, you'll never attract a woman."

"If I go up to a woman, I'm sharing a moment, I'm not trying to get anything from her, I'm not seeking her approval."

Veronica challenged Michael W. "I read your website - you think you're the real live `Hitch.' My girlfriends and I wanted to come here with a bottle of wine and nutcrackers. We are a pack of ball busters if we want to be."

Michael grinned: "Guys, your antennae should be going up here." He asked Veronica, "Why are you going out to the bars?"

"Because my girlfriends do."

"Guys, hear that. Girls never admit they're going out to meet men. It's their `invisible reality.' Most women will not be direct about sex, which doesn't mean they're not sexual. They're conditioned to be `hard to get,' or they get viewed as sluts. They have to be chased." Which sets up the imbalance, in Michael W.'s mind. "Guys get desperate for female attention."

Read Nancy Friday's book, The Secret Garden, about women's sexual fantasies, he said. Learn to approach women with humour. "It's not about being fake, it's about being the real you, with a sense of your own value."

At the end, Diane hugged the Wizard. "Would you happen to have an older brother at home?" she said playfully.

Terry was skeptical of the Wizard's "jockish, frat-boy demeanour," yet "beneath his slick, scripted rhetoric I did manage to catch fleeting glimpses of truth." Terry was taken aback "by the multiple planes of manipulation that have to be mastered in order to not come off as "a jerk." (Terry, by the way, tried to attend two recent get-togethers with the group; for the first, he got lost; on St. Patrick's Day, he didn't wear gloves trying to look stylish, froze in a lineup outside and gave up.)

Wayne, who originally drew my attention to the Dating Wizard, was disappointed.

"Women in the room may have changed the dynamic." Still, Wayne is eager to go out with the Wizard for an evening on the town.

Diane, 53, observed that the Wizard's "basic ideas run parallel to Frankie's. He's saying that men can remove the resistance they experience from women by removing the force with which they approach us. If men don't try to take something, a woman doesn't have to pull away. We all need to work on our self-actualization and not let it be dependant on other people's reaction/approval. Self-value is the key."

She raises a further question: "What are you willing to change, to give up, to risk in order to let someone into your life and your heart? Because unless we change, nothing else will."

Neil, 47, is working on it. He attended a Dinnerworks event last week, which he enjoyed. But he questions himself.

"I wasn't sure if I talked too much, didn't listen well or if I went on about topics which were not of interest. I don't always know where I fit in."

Next Story: Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match - March 31, 2006

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