Singled out in the city
Reaction was overwhelming
Participants excited by reaction
Mar. 17, 2006
JUDY STEED, Feature Writer
Wow, what a response.
When we launched the Get A Relationship Challenge last week, we were inundated by reactions ranging from enthusiasm to shock.
Terry, 43, our pharmacy technician who moonlights as a screenwriter, swears he sent me an email in which he "politely bowed out of the challenge," but I didn't see it. Maybe it got lost among all the other emails praising or critiquing our choices, or offering us opportunities to try out the vast array of services springing up to serve the singles market.
Terry thought I was mad at him because I didn't respond. "I was feeling guilty, yes, but relieved - a public humiliation narrowly avoided," he wrote. "I patted myself on the back. `Good call, Terry."
On his way to work last Friday morning, he glanced at a Toronto Star box, and what did he see? "A miniature chorus line of familiar faces smiling on the top of the front page, decorative, like Christmas lights, and then - what's this? My own face smiling impishly back at me! Mixed with my feelings of shock and dread was, I have to admit, also a tinge of relief. I had been feeling badly about letting you and the rest of the group down anyway, so perhaps this was fate.
"I'm used to being an observer rather than a participant but on the other hand maybe it's a good idea to do something that's out of character once in awhile, something that will force me to observe things from a different angle. Anyway, now that I've been dragged into this kicking and screaming, I'm going to do my best to try and have fun and be as involved as I can. Sign me up for the Dating Wizard if there are any spaces left and I'd really like to participate in the wine-tasting event if possible."
Lucky for you, Terry, that I didn't get your email. I hope you're comforted by the fact that, for most participants, being exposed as "available" in the pages of the Star is daunting for everyone in the challenge especially since we're following all 20 of you as you guide us through the singles scene for the next four months (services paid for by the Star).
Barbara, 54, our business teacher, went to work "extra early on Friday, hoping to snag the paper. No such luck. There it was `in living colour.' We had a staff breakfast and the article was the "buzz." Everyone wanted to know the gory details! Quite the way to begin March break. I must say it was an interesting experience to be the topic of conversation. Usually I am an extremely private person. They were all intrigued and excited on my behalf and I managed to take that in stride. I did not realize how many of my colleagues read the Star!" She was happy to escape to a Caribbean cruise.
Gilaine, 44, a senior insurance claims examiner, didn't like her photo. "I absolutely HATE my pictures, especially my mug shot," she wrote. "I never thought that being in the paper would be so stressful. I'm not used to being so publicly vulnerable. I can relate to Jaspreet's comments about cultural pressures; in my racial background there just aren't a lot of black men who bother with dating companies and there are too many black women out there for the picking. But I am still hopeful and excited ..."
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"Now that I've been dragged into this kicking and screaming, I'm going to do my best to try and have fun."
Participant Terry, 43
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David, 46, a sales manager, heard from a female friend who was "a counsellor at the camp across the bay when I worked at a camp in Haliburton in my teens - an enjoyable byproduct of this adventure."
Lorraine, 58, a palliative care physician, was amazed by the response from colleagues and patients alike. "Everyone's supportive and excited for me. What an interesting, creative group of people the Star chose. It's really taken on a life of its own!"
Not everyone is delighted with the winners we selected, and we're well aware that we could have presented wildly different variations of the chosen group. One male reader complained that the women aren't feminine enough, since most have short hair and only two wore skirts. Others objected that we didn't pick people in their 60s or 70s. A reader accused us of "blatant discrimination" for not selecting "women over size 12 (who) make up about 40 per cent of the population." Well, our 2004 Get Healthy Challenge was devoted exclusively to overweight people. Our 2005 Get A Life Challenge included some heavier participants. This year, we received a few submissions from people who looked overweight in their photos. I contacted a couple of them to ask if they'd be willing to go out with equally overweight people, and they declined.
No gays or lesbians applied, to my knowledge. And we made a concerted effort to ensure our participants reflect the diversity of this city we call home.As I watch our challengers buzz into action I'm struck by two things: How hard it is to find a companion when you feel cut off from the dating scene, and how easy it is to get going once you know where to look and you've got a few buddies to hang out with. All it takes, it seems, is a jump-start. But it's practically a full-time job figuring out where to go, how to sign up, how to choose.
In the old days, the mating game was dictated by fairly rigid parameters. You either married the farmer's son or daughter whose parents belonged to the same church and lived down the road, or you accepted some form of an arranged marriage.
Then the industrial revolution drove the masses into cities and leaping ahead a few hundred years the birth control pill brought us Sex and the City. Women were educated in increasing numbers, enabling them to pursue and enjoy their independence, while men discovered there was more to life than being breadwinners.
Which brings us, today, to our urban adult singles scene. Despite the lure of dim bars, hot music and sophisticated downtown activities, loneliness lurks in the forest of condos. Hence the booming business of dating services targeting niche markets. We'll be using more services as the series continues, but we're starting out with some of the industry staples, from Toronto-based Lavalife, the dominant online dating company, to Ruth Claramunt, the Scottish-born pioneer in the old-fashioned business of matchmaking.
"If you're a 2 looking for a 10, look in the mirror," says Claramunt bluntly.
Next Story: Focus on Inner Self - March 24, 2006
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