Frankie's Advice
Dispatches from the Field

SIDEBAR FOR MAR. 17 RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGE

Diane, 53, ESL Instructor

Diane attended a party at the Safari Bar & Grill last Sunday night. It was organized by a friend of Tod’s. She was puzzled by an encounter she had. Here’s how she described it:

I am a philosophical and reflective person by nature and always seek to find meaning in things. The party last night was a great success, lots of people, everyone talking, mingling.

I’m not good with small talk but I am a good conversationalist so when I met Lorne (not his real name) and discovered we had a common interest, we got along just fine. He practices boxing and I have experience in Karate so we were able to share stories, ideas etc. He seemed like a nice man, intelligent, funny. I didn’t want to monopolize his time so when he went to get a drink, I let the conversation end and went to play pool. He joined me later and we had a game together. I’m not that good, so I appreciated his advice and suggestions, we had fun.

Then they cranked the music up so it was impossible to talk, by this time it was getting late and when the game finished he said it was time to go, me too. I waited to see how he would end this, what he might say. “It was nice talking to you”, “I enjoyed the evening”, something. What I got was nothing, no acknowledgement that we had spent any time together at all. I was puzzled and so asked if he would be coming back. “Oh sure,” he replied and I was struck by the offhandedness of his answer. As I drove home I felt deflated and this is where my insight, for what it’s worth, comes in.

I had spent the evening making small investments, putting something of myself into what I was doing, you offer up what is of value to you. But if the people you are with don’t value that or don’t even value themselves all that much, there is a discrepancy and no connection. Because I had made this kind of investment, driving home I felt that maybe I hadn’t tried hard enough, that it was somehow my fault, and I can understand why people keep going back to these events, to just try a little harder. The more you invest, the more you put in, the more you try to connect, the more you fail and the more you try. It becomes a vicious circle that really wears you down. The other alternative is to go to these events and invest nothing. If I have no expectations, I won’t be disappointed. I think this is what I ran into with Lorne. Instead of ‘nothing ventured, nothing gained,’ it’s ‘venture nothing, lose nothing.’

I spent Sunday afternoon hiking, or rather slogging through mud, with other hikers. We talked about passion, about loving what you do and doing what you love. When you’re covered in mud, it’s the only reason you’re out there. These are the people I connect with, people who are passionate about what they do. I need to go where my passion carries me, where it fills me with a love for life till I overflow.

Our life coach, Frankie, said the other night “the result always signifies the intent” So the question is what was my intent, what was Lorne’s?

Last night my experience felt like an obstacle and I wonder if that’s how most people feel when the result does not match their intent. Instead of blaming ourselves and thinking we need to try harder, maybe we just need to try smarter, turn these obstacles and disappointments into stepping stones. I’m already adjusting my approach to this venture.

Diane

Frankie’s Response

Diane:

As I read your descriptive, I couldn’t help but feel the weight of your disappointment around unmet expectations. It is tough being out there in the sea of singles…hopeful that one of the people swirling by will be like-minded enough to offer you some basic common courtesy. You deserve that and so much more.

Was the experience an obstacle or was it an opportunity for deeper insights into how to maneuver around obstacles?

You have requirements and needs in a relationship that you may have never before considered. They are just now starting to bubble to the surface because you have been doing a lot of self-work and contemplation.  Perhaps 2 weeks ago you would have viewed Lorne’s behaviour as acceptable. Maybe you would have made excuses for him. Now it is impossible for you to accept his conduct because you are becoming more conscious of your expectations in a partner. He didn’t come close to the mark and you know it. No need to feel deflated. You are working on becoming the ‘chooser’.

So what was your intent? I think it was to call out how important awareness is: awareness of what you want in a partner; awareness of how quickly you can sort through potential dates; awareness of venues that are likely to bring like-minded people together, with common values and goals, versus those that don’t.

But Diane, no matter where you go, never bring less of yourself. You are such a vibrant, intelligent and beautiful woman. Your authentic self is breathtaking. The Lorne’s of this world need to see your light, even when they are wearing sunglasses.

Frankie

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Erik Burnie, 34, Teacher

I've had to look at myself kinda under a microscope as a result of doing this.  I've had to look at myself and think hard about how and why things went on in my life the way that they did.  Why have I not ever had a real girlfriend?  Why do I get so nervous in a new social situation? What do I want out of a relationship?  Would I be happy to settle for something that does not fit my exact needs?

I have never had a girlfriend, I have admitted (after all, this is something that I have always known), because of the way that people made me feel about myself while I was in High School.  I remember walking up to girls at the school dance, asking them for a dance, and just getting a "Ha!" in response.  Being a teacher now, I know how cruel children can be to each other, and I try my best to combat those behaviours that I see in my own students that, at the time, might seem funny to them, but in actual fact, they really do internal damage that stays with the person for the rest of their life.  I do not have a girlfriend today because, long story short, I'm terrified of having a beautiful woman react to me now exactly the same way that those girls did on the floor of the school gym.  And, if I ever hear those fateful words "Let's just be friends" again... Aargh!  Sorry, but I've got enough friends already.  I'm a firm believer in the rule that you can only have enough "friends" to count on your fingers, and everyone else is an aquaintance.

Why I get so nervous in new social situations goes part in parcel with the previous paragraph.  However, I know that this is something that I need to work on.  I can't go on in life feeling nausious every time that I meet a new woman or meet new people! 

What I want out of a relationship is something that I have thought about for all my life, so to answer that question does not take too much.  Essentially, I am looking for a woman who is like me.  Not in EVERYTHING, but in a number of ways.  I guess that this paragraph will also answer my last question too, in that I am flexible on some things, but not in others.  A non-smoker: inflexible!  Someone who cares more about how they feel than how they look: INFLEXIBLE! (I came to a realization that, although it has always been a dream of mine to date a Paris Hilton, Model type because of the external beauty of a person like that, the hours of preparation to go out would drive me crazy, and the need to be "seen" at the right places and the right time just doesn't suit me at all!)  Musical tastes, on the other hand, are flexible.  I'd love to meet someone who could teach me about Acadian folk music, the sitar, drumin bass, whatever, so long as it has musical qualities.  By that I mean, no POP bands that don't play their own instruments, use popular riffs from other bands to make their song recognizeable, etc.

Most of all, though, I got from Frankie's homework the realization that I need to concentrate a bit on me first.  I know that there is a bit of a deadline on how long this is going to go, but I'm doing my darndest to be ready to go on a date without losing my lunch!

Erik

Frankie’s Response

Dear Erik:

I am always impressed by a man who is authentic and expresses honestly about how he feels. You impressed me. Thank you for your openness in this letter and in our first group session.

One of the most difficult things to accept in life is that there are people who do not share our values. Simple, but important values that are represented by the Golden Rule: treating others the way you would like to be treated. Often people in the dating scene are too focused on ‘first impressions” so naturally this adds to the stress and pressure to perform and be perfect.

But who are you being “perfect” for?

You are already a perfect you. The moment you accept this truth and understand that just being you is fundamental to attracting your life partner, the less focus you will place on the outcome of encounters with women, and will be able to concentrate on the experience itself. Relax and have some fun! You deserve it.

You are realizing there are some essential traits that you require in your life partner. Non-negotiable! (The girls who said “Ha” in high school likely don’t qualify.) You are beginning to understand that defining the criteria you want in a partner, makes you the chooser. It completely eliminates any possibility of being rejected.

Erik, just be you. From my ‘first impressions’ you are an intelligent, considerate, funny, easy-going, good looking guy. You are passionate about teaching children and making a difference in this world.

Tell me…what’s not to like?

Frankie

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