Creating Healthy, Intimate & Fulfilling Relationships

Hi,
I’m 47 with two children and I’m dating a man who is 45 (no children). We are both divorced and both of us have been out of those prior relationships for over 3 years. We started dating about 4 months ago and we see each other about 4 to 5 times per week. Things have moved very quickly, so much so that he asked me this past weekend to marry him. I said “yes.”

We both love each other, we have similar visions for our lives and we’ve been fortunate to both have completed relationship classes with two different RCI coaches. We seem compatible in all aspects. We feel we’re being conscious singles because we’ve done the work.

Are we moving to fast? Do you think we may be missing something? We’re not inexperienced in relationships, but at the same time we want to make sure we’re seeing things clearly. Do you have any advice for us?

Together in Toronto

Dear Together:

It sounds like you have been very conscious about screening and testing each other to make certain you are compatible. Kudos to you both! Conscious Dating really works and it is always good to see it in action.

Rather than give advice I'd like you to ask yourselves "What is the rush to get married?" In my opinion and experience, four months is not enough time to get to know someone and test for all your requirements. Because of your experience with the Conscious Dating principles you have an advantage over most couples. You understand you are still in the first flush of 'falling in love' AND you know how to navigate the traps. Use your knowledge wisely and make this the best relationship choice you have ever made. You have the makings of an amazing relationship. If that requires waiting a few months, isn't it worth the wait?

This is the perfect opportunity to work with an RCI (Relationship Coaching Institute) coach who can help you dig a little deeper, get further clarity about your relationship and decide how to best move forward.

I wish you much happiness and love!

Frankie

Hi Frankie,

I just broke up with a woman I've being dating for two months. At the time I thought things were going well. Since nobody is a perfect fit with another, she would sometimes ask me to change a behaviour or habit if it bothered her. The relationship was evolving into what I thought was something with potential and there was a give and take between the two of us.

Unfortunately what precipitated the break-up was when she stopped asking and started to issue an ultimatum. What bothered me about this situation was the demand was so trivial (ex. type of food eaten - and no she's not religious).

I broke this off and told her that, although I'm happy to accommodate and compromise for those I am close to I can't live with a relationship based on fear ('Change this habit or it's over). But unfortunately I'm beginning to second guess myself. It was after all a pretty trivial request. I've asked myself over and over again that this was the correct decision but lately there's this shadow of doubt in my mind. Why is this doubt creeping into my mind?

James

James:
Compromise only works in a committed long term relationship when both partners have a strong desire to support one another and understand that on occasion some compromise may be necessary. It is not something any dating single should consider doing with a potential mate. Stay the course and be in alignment with your requirements.

What you described is dictatorial behaviour and seemingly unreasonable requests from a controlling individual. (You didn't want me to sugar coat this, did you?)

I want to give you a 'high 5' a 'low five' and a hug for doing what you intuitively knew was best for YOU!

Ask yourself this: What were the feelings you had about her requests that lead you to break it off? Did you feel controlled? Did she make you feel unworthy? Did you sense that this was the tip of the iceberg and rather than getting better things were going to escalate?

Trust yourself and the choice you made. The reason you are having doubts now may have to do with you not being in a relationship and wanting one. But James, imagine what that relationship would look like if you did a fast forward. If she is petty and controlling now when she is just beginning to know you, how would she be in 3 years with a ring on her finger and a baby on the way?

Move on...learn the lessons from this experience...and keep looking for the woman who will think you are amazing...food choices and all!

Good luck!

Frankie

Frankie:
I hate Valentine's Day: the commercial frenzy; the happy couples; too many chocolates; and being alone and single. What a conspiracy! I feel left out and depressed. Help!!!

Chocolate Overdosed

Dear Chocoholic:

Snap out of it....and stop eating chocolate.

If you are unhappy about being single, do something about it. You have choices and instead of wallowing in what you don't have, think about what you want instead.

Being single is a great opportunity. You have love in your future, so look forward to it instead of moping around dragging a box of chocolates with you.

Here are my Top 10 Tips for singles on Valentine's Day...so listen up, missy:

1. Start Anew – Valentine’s Day can be your New Year’s resolution day for all elements of a year of new love!

2. If you dream of a happy romantic relationship, realize it takes commitment, effort and planning.

3. Identify any “baggage’ that holds you back from the relationship you truly want. For example: What are the areas in your life you need to change to be ready to meet love on love’s terms? Is your financial life out of whack; are you unhappy with your health and fitness? Do you feel your emotional or mental state is not quite ready? DO SOMETHING!

4. Sit down with the above in mind and honestly assess your relationship ‘readiness’ skills. What are your deal-breakers? Your values and life vision?

5. As clichéd as it sounds, it all starts with a positive attitude and happiness inside. Live your life as a successful single – don’t put your life on hold while you wait for your partner to show up. Have fun!

6. Celebrate -- Valentine’s Day is a great excuse to celebrate life and love. Don’t be cynical. Shower yourself with love and/or spend time with a friend or relative who loves you unconditionally. Book a day at the spa and pamper yourself. You deserve it!


7. Take some risks and experience things you dare not usually do. Smile and engage in conversation with strangers wherever you are. You may be surprised at the response and at how good you feel.

8. Recognize opportunities – say yes when you might want to say no!

9. Take the initiative, keep it light. Invite someone out. If making a Valentine's date is awkward, aim for the 13th or 15th.

10. Organize a dinner with other singles or plan a singles Valentine’s Bash and go dancing. Celebrate being single -- this is a wonderful time in your life, so enjoy it!

Frankie,
I have heard some horror stories about bad experiences with online dating. Is it unsafe to date someone you meet online?

Terrified in Victoria

Dear Terri:
Online dating can be a fun and effective way of meeting other singles, but it does present challenges.

While most singles take precautionary measures when dating strangers, online daters need to deal with ‘virtual intimacy’, often resulting in a false sense of security. Just because you have bared your soul, doesn’t mean you know that person or should drop your guard. On the contrary – singles should be especially vigilant about maintaining their boundaries, just like you would on any first date, testing the real person against the ‘online persona’.

Crucial online dating tips:

1. Schedule a Face-to-Face meeting as soon as possible. Find out sooner than later whether your cyber attraction translates well into the physical world.

2. Trust your instincts. If something doesn't seem right, don’t ignore it. Ask questions about anything that doesn’t seem right.

3. Don’t Provide your Personal Information. Use a free email account and never provide your home or work telephone numbers (it is easy to find an address through a telephone number).

4. Take your Time and Get to Know the Person. Let the relationship develop slowly while screening and testing for compatibility and inconsistencies.

5. Report any Threats. Don’t hesitate to report any threats or harassment to the police and the online dating service.

Being single and alone for the holidays can be a real downer, especially when attending gatherings of friends and family.

Here are a few tips to help you not only get through a challenging time, but have some fun doing it! Keep in mind the purpose is to simply enjoy yourself, so don’t get hung up on being with that ‘ideal’ partner. You can focus on finding the ‘one’ in 2007, but for now, enjoy the holidays.

Expand your dating options. Remember your objective is having a date or dates during the holidays - not finding your life partner, so be less picky! Expand your horizons and cast your net wider. If you have an amicable relationship with your ex, why not invite him or her to join you. What about someone you wouldn’t typically date like a person who is younger or older, of a different race or gender even! Invite a co-worker. You could ‘date’ a family member or friend. What a great opportunity to just have fun with someone who knows you well.

Have a wonderful Holiday Season and get out there as a successful single!

I'm a single attractive, 30-something female. I am intelligent and fit, however I am shy especially in dating situations. The thing I'm finding is I either attract men who are just like me who are fearful of making the first move and our relationship fizzles before there is a chance for sparks or aggressive ones that think I might sleep with them on the first date. Why can't I meet someone in the middle of these two types? What am I doing wrong?

Another issue is that I am Catholic and although I may not be adverse to pre-marital sex all together, I know I will not have sex before the relationship is exclusive and long term and thus far this has left me a virgin at 30-something. I am often unsure when I should bring this up. I've done both, not mentioned it at all and waited to see if the relationship moves in that direction. This has garnered mixed results including one man telling me I should have told him right away and he wouldn't have wasted his time. I know, I know, he was a loser anyway, but does he have a point?

The other tactic is to tell them early and let them decide if they want to stick around. The negative side of this is that I've had men who find it appealing that he might 'deflower a virgin' and it turns him on.

How do I know when to tell someone so it seems fair to both of us and so neither one of us is hurt?

30 Year Old Virgin

Dear V:
The purpose of dating is to screen potential partners based on your relationship requirements and shared values. This process takes time.

You should express your views on pre-marital sex during the first few dates to weed out those men who are only looking for a quick tumble in the sack. But your virginity is a private matter - you are not obligated to share that information with anyone unless you feel comfortable doing so. Therefore I don’t recommend revealing it until you’ve had at least 3 dates. By then you will both know whether you want to get to know each other better.

If a man gets ‘hurt’ because you didn’t tell him early on that you were a virgin, I would question his motives and count yourself fortunate that you found out sooner than later.

There are many wonderful single men out there, however you may need to ‘kiss’ a lot of frogs before you find your Mr. Right. Just don’t give up.

I’ve been with women for over 11 months now. She is very independent and places outdoor activities higher then love making. She is not interested in sex and gets no real good feelings from it. At 8 months she started to draw back and gets very short with me. We have had sex 2 times in 8 weeks. She has told me she doesn't respect me right now...and all we do is fight...

What do I do? I love her but she has never told me she loves me....she has only told one man in her life that she loved him... I am 35 and she is 34.

Are we doomed...or is there hope?

Derek

Derek:
You, like everyone else deserves to be loved, respected and cherished by your partner. From what you have said you are not getting any of that from your girlfriend. The big question is – will you ever get it from her?

Ask yourself if you could see spending the rest of your life in this situation?

If the answer is no – then move on. The longer you stay with someone who isn’t meeting your needs, the longer it will take to find someone who will.

Good luck!

Frankie:

My boyfriend of 6 months does not get along with my family (mom and 2 brothers). He says they dislike and disrespect him. I haven’t seen any evidence of this but my mom has told me she doesn’t think he is good for me. I won’t go into the details of why.

Last week my boyfriend gave me an ultimatum. He said he doesn’t want to have any contact with my family and if I continue to see them he will take it as a sign that I side with them over him. We had a heated argument and he told me I had to choose.

I am so confused. I don’t know what to do about this because I love my family and my boyfriend. Help!

Suni

Suni:

Your boyfriend’s demand is not only unreasonable it is a huge red flag. Family is important and it seems like you have a good connection with yours. You shouldn’t have to choose! While it is true that your partner should come first, it doesn’t mean there is no room for other relationships with family and friends.

I am VERY concerned about the ultimatum and what it says about your boyfriend on many levels. But my biggest trepidation is that it is typical of an abuser to try to isolate his partner from their support network.

Whatever you do, don’t agree to his demand because it will be the first in a long line of unacceptable orders – you’ll end up in a dictatorship rather than a partnership.

Frankie