"Just Friends" OR Emotional Affair?

by David Steele

Shirley Glass, Ph.D. is a researcher who has studied infidelity extensively and is author of the new book 'Not Just Friends: Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal' (Free Press). She has pioneered and studied the concept of "Emotional Affairs," finding that infidelity often starts by being "just friends," and even good marriages are vulnerable.

Facts About Infidelity

• You can have an affair without sex. Infidelity is any emotional or sexual intimacy that violates trust.
• You are more at risk if others close to you have strayed.
• 75% of marriages between affair partners result in divorce.
• More than 90% of married people believe that monogamy is important, but almost half have affairs.

Red Flags

Glass identifies three 'red flags' that increase risk that a friendship might graduate to an emotional affair and result in infidelity:

#1: You Are More Bonded To Your Friend Than Your Spouse

Risk increases when your friendship involves more emotional intimacy than with your spouse, especially if the friend is not clearly a friend of your marriage.

#2: Secrecy

Private, intimate conversations can increase risk when they are secret from your spouse and provide you an exciting escape from everyday life.

#3: Sexual Chemistry

Seemingly harmless talking about mutual attraction and flirting increases risk of infidelity, even when both parties insist they will not act on their attraction and are "just friends."

Glass reports that all individuals and couples are vulnerable to infidelity, and that there is no way to "affair-proof" your marriage. However, she states "You can affair-proof yourself. We are all responsible for our own behavior."

How To Prevent Infidelity

1. Maintain Walls And Windows
   Keep the windows open at home and put up privacy walls with others who could threaten your marriage.
2. Be Careful At Work
   Don't make a habit of taking private breaks or lunches with the same person. When you travel with a co-worker, meet in public places.
3. Don't Tempt Fate
   Avoid emotional intimacy with attractive alternatives to your committed relationship.
4. Get Support For Your Relationship
   Discuss your relationship issues at home. If you need to talk with someone about your marriage, be sure that person is a friend of the marriage or a professional.
5. Avoid The 'Ex'
   Research indicates that former lovers are hard to resist.
6. Be Careful In Cyberspace
   Keep appropriate boundaries with on-line friends by including your spouse and avoiding sexual topics.
7. Create A Supportive Community
   Surround yourself with friends and family supportive of your marriage.

Copyright 2003 by David Steele. All rights reserved.

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