A few more good men

There's only one place where males outnumber females when it comes to the singles scene, and that's online

April 7, 2006.

JUDY STEED, Feature Writer

When Frank posted his profile on Lavalife under the nickname "neveroddoreven," with a photo of himself in a tuxedo, he thought he knew what he was doing.

After all, he'd been on Lavalife for five years, resulting in 50 to 60 coffee dates, 10 dinners and three relationships, one lasting for three months, one for eight months, one for nine months.

But the experts at Lavalife nixed his efforts.

"You're not going to show up for a date in a tux," they told him, adding that his nickname was "confusing."

Frank made the changes they suggested (see the before and after profiles below) and was delighted when he received 12 "smiles," or expressions of interest. One of them was from a woman he'd put on his hot list!

When the Get A Relationship Challenge asked Lavalife to set up a private consultation with our participants, we weren't surprised that the men in the group were most interested.

In every other sphere of the dating industry from private matchmaking services to speed dating to dinner clubs females outnumber the males, but on Lavalife the ratio is reversed: 60 per cent of clients are men.

Established in Toronto almost 20 years ago, Lavalife facilitates the exchange of 1.3 million messages every day, placing it in the same league as industry leaders eHarmony.com and match.com.

That's a lot of singles searching online, yet too many waste their investment with poorly written profiles, out-of-date, blurry photos and descriptions that limit their powers of attraction.

That's why Frank, Wayne, Eric and Roger headed down to Lavalife's King St. West headquarters for a critique of their online profiles. Barbara joined them as a keen observer who would like to post a profile in the future.

For Frank, 54, a call-centre consultant, online dating can be frustrating. Take a recent encounter: He connected with a woman online, liked her photo and profile (she said she was active and a non-smoker, like him) and they arranged to meet.

His heart sank when he saw her: She didn't look like her photo, she was overweight, and when he hugged her, he smelled tobacco. "I'm a gentleman, so I had to go through with it, but I was really disappointed," he said. "What a waste of time."

It happens all too often. You post your profile, receive some "smiles" electronic expressions of interest and respond. You "chat" a little, online, and take the leap to meet. When the person isn't as described, you join a throng of disillusioned singles who wonder why they can't find the love of their life online when you keep hearing stories about people who do.

There are lots of effective strategies, according to Lavalife experts Brenda Goodyear and Lilly Janssen, to help Web surfers reach the safe harbour of a committed relationship.

The most common mistake people make is not posting a photograph upfront.

Once you've got the right image - smiling at the camera, not in a dark basement, not wearing a tux or ball gown - watch the way you word your message. The Lavalife consultants zeroed in on Frank's profile. His opening line, "Back from Daytona, can't wait for summer to arrive in Canada," made him "sound like a surfer." They liked his personal description, commenting, "He's obviously made some effort - this comes through. No spelling mistakes - very important."

But they felt he was being unrealistic to say he's looking for "a divorced woman without baggage."

Roger, 32, a high-tech marketing manager, lost marks with his photo selection. His pictures were deemed "poor quality and boring," especially one of him standing beside Donald Trump. His nickname, "curious cupid," won kudos, but not his opening line, "1000 words are worth a picture." His description was judged "creative, thoughtful, humourous," but all his references were wintry, such as, "teach me how to bundle up and stay warm without looking like an over-dressed geeky Eskimo."

There wasn't much enthusiasm for Wayne's nickname, "truly madly," or opening line, "What matters to you?" Wayne, 44, an engineer, provided good photos but was advised to "leave out the stuff about juggling, yoyos, balloons - not cool." (Wayne is an actor and children's entertainer on the side.) He gave lots of details to spark a conversation but his list of bullet points was too long.

Eric, 31, an aircraft mechanic, had selected the nickname, "YYZmech," that was deemed too cryptic (YYZ is the Toronto airport destination code) and an opening line that was somewhat sour: "sanity found here." His description was short and to the point but the last line had to go: "It's a minefield out here."

Frank was the first to make the changes and reap the rewards. Now nicknamed Freedom_59 - he's only 54, but hopes to retire at 59 - his new opening line reads, "Empty nester who can spell." He learned from Lavalife that one of the most common complaints from women is about atrocious spelling. "I thought I could capitalize on it."

For Frank, the big struggle was how to say, politely, that he doesn't want a woman who views him as a meal ticket or security blanket. So he boiled down his "laundry list" of requirements and stuck with the positives: looking for "a non smoker, social drinker" who is "financially and emotionally ready to enjoy all that life has to offer." Watch out, world.

Next Story: Month of Fun Days Wraps Up - April 7, 2006

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