Creating Healthy, Intimate & Fulfilling Relationships

Hi,
I’m 47 with two children and I’m dating a man who is 45 (no children). We are both divorced and both of us have been out of those prior relationships for over 3 years. We started dating about 4 months ago and we see each other about 4 to 5 times per week. Things have moved very quickly, so much so that he asked me this past weekend to marry him. I said “yes.”

We both love each other, we have similar visions for our lives and we’ve been fortunate to both have completed relationship classes with two different RCI coaches. We seem compatible in all aspects. We feel we’re being conscious singles because we’ve done the work.

Are we moving to fast? Do you think we may be missing something? We’re not inexperienced in relationships, but at the same time we want to make sure we’re seeing things clearly. Do you have any advice for us?

Together in Toronto

Dear Together:

It sounds like you have been very conscious about screening and testing each other to make certain you are compatible. Kudos to you both! Conscious Dating really works and it is always good to see it in action.

Rather than give advice I'd like you to ask yourselves "What is the rush to get married?" In my opinion and experience, four months is not enough time to get to know someone and test for all your requirements. Because of your experience with the Conscious Dating principles you have an advantage over most couples. You understand you are still in the first flush of 'falling in love' AND you know how to navigate the traps. Use your knowledge wisely and make this the best relationship choice you have ever made. You have the makings of an amazing relationship. If that requires waiting a few months, isn't it worth the wait?

This is the perfect opportunity to work with an RCI (Relationship Coaching Institute) coach who can help you dig a little deeper, get further clarity about your relationship and decide how to best move forward.

I wish you much happiness and love!

Frankie

Hi Frankie,

I just broke up with a woman I've being dating for two months. At the time I thought things were going well. Since nobody is a perfect fit with another, she would sometimes ask me to change a behaviour or habit if it bothered her. The relationship was evolving into what I thought was something with potential and there was a give and take between the two of us.

Unfortunately what precipitated the break-up was when she stopped asking and started to issue an ultimatum. What bothered me about this situation was the demand was so trivial (ex. type of food eaten - and no she's not religious).

I broke this off and told her that, although I'm happy to accommodate and compromise for those I am close to I can't live with a relationship based on fear ('Change this habit or it's over). But unfortunately I'm beginning to second guess myself. It was after all a pretty trivial request. I've asked myself over and over again that this was the correct decision but lately there's this shadow of doubt in my mind. Why is this doubt creeping into my mind?

James

James:
Compromise only works in a committed long term relationship when both partners have a strong desire to support one another and understand that on occasion some compromise may be necessary. It is not something any dating single should consider doing with a potential mate. Stay the course and be in alignment with your requirements.

What you described is dictatorial behaviour and seemingly unreasonable requests from a controlling individual. (You didn't want me to sugar coat this, did you?)

I want to give you a 'high 5' a 'low five' and a hug for doing what you intuitively knew was best for YOU!

Ask yourself this: What were the feelings you had about her requests that lead you to break it off? Did you feel controlled? Did she make you feel unworthy? Did you sense that this was the tip of the iceberg and rather than getting better things were going to escalate?

Trust yourself and the choice you made. The reason you are having doubts now may have to do with you not being in a relationship and wanting one. But James, imagine what that relationship would look like if you did a fast forward. If she is petty and controlling now when she is just beginning to know you, how would she be in 3 years with a ring on her finger and a baby on the way?

Move on...learn the lessons from this experience...and keep looking for the woman who will think you are amazing...food choices and all!

Good luck!

Frankie