Creating Healthy, Intimate & Fulfilling Relationships

I'm a single attractive, 30-something female. I am intelligent and fit, however I am shy especially in dating situations. The thing I'm finding is I either attract men who are just like me who are fearful of making the first move and our relationship fizzles before there is a chance for sparks or aggressive ones that think I might sleep with them on the first date. Why can't I meet someone in the middle of these two types? What am I doing wrong?

Another issue is that I am Catholic and although I may not be adverse to pre-marital sex all together, I know I will not have sex before the relationship is exclusive and long term and thus far this has left me a virgin at 30-something. I am often unsure when I should bring this up. I've done both, not mentioned it at all and waited to see if the relationship moves in that direction. This has garnered mixed results including one man telling me I should have told him right away and he wouldn't have wasted his time. I know, I know, he was a loser anyway, but does he have a point?

The other tactic is to tell them early and let them decide if they want to stick around. The negative side of this is that I've had men who find it appealing that he might 'deflower a virgin' and it turns him on.

How do I know when to tell someone so it seems fair to both of us and so neither one of us is hurt?

30 Year Old Virgin

Dear V:
The purpose of dating is to screen potential partners based on your relationship requirements and shared values. This process takes time.

You should express your views on pre-marital sex during the first few dates to weed out those men who are only looking for a quick tumble in the sack. But your virginity is a private matter - you are not obligated to share that information with anyone unless you feel comfortable doing so. Therefore I don’t recommend revealing it until you’ve had at least 3 dates. By then you will both know whether you want to get to know each other better.

If a man gets ‘hurt’ because you didn’t tell him early on that you were a virgin, I would question his motives and count yourself fortunate that you found out sooner than later.

There are many wonderful single men out there, however you may need to ‘kiss’ a lot of frogs before you find your Mr. Right. Just don’t give up.

I’ve been with women for over 11 months now. She is very independent and places outdoor activities higher then love making. She is not interested in sex and gets no real good feelings from it. At 8 months she started to draw back and gets very short with me. We have had sex 2 times in 8 weeks. She has told me she doesn't respect me right now...and all we do is fight...

What do I do? I love her but she has never told me she loves me....she has only told one man in her life that she loved him... I am 35 and she is 34.

Are we doomed...or is there hope?

Derek

Derek:
You, like everyone else deserves to be loved, respected and cherished by your partner. From what you have said you are not getting any of that from your girlfriend. The big question is – will you ever get it from her?

Ask yourself if you could see spending the rest of your life in this situation?

If the answer is no – then move on. The longer you stay with someone who isn’t meeting your needs, the longer it will take to find someone who will.

Good luck!

Frankie:

My boyfriend of 6 months does not get along with my family (mom and 2 brothers). He says they dislike and disrespect him. I haven’t seen any evidence of this but my mom has told me she doesn’t think he is good for me. I won’t go into the details of why.

Last week my boyfriend gave me an ultimatum. He said he doesn’t want to have any contact with my family and if I continue to see them he will take it as a sign that I side with them over him. We had a heated argument and he told me I had to choose.

I am so confused. I don’t know what to do about this because I love my family and my boyfriend. Help!

Suni

Suni:

Your boyfriend’s demand is not only unreasonable it is a huge red flag. Family is important and it seems like you have a good connection with yours. You shouldn’t have to choose! While it is true that your partner should come first, it doesn’t mean there is no room for other relationships with family and friends.

I am VERY concerned about the ultimatum and what it says about your boyfriend on many levels. But my biggest trepidation is that it is typical of an abuser to try to isolate his partner from their support network.

Whatever you do, don’t agree to his demand because it will be the first in a long line of unacceptable orders – you’ll end up in a dictatorship rather than a partnership.

Frankie