Creating Healthy, Intimate & Fulfilling Relationships

Hi Frankie
I have rather an interesting (in my opinion) dilemma.

I work evenings/nights in a seniors retirement residence ( actually a great place to meet people as their sons are most often my age and when visiting their mom and or dad I have ample opportunity to get to know who is single ,married , unavailable or what have you.

My problem is that I am not the least interested in any of these fellows but am in the Purolator delivery person. I know this is so totally ' cliché' but what can I say. Have learned through various contacts that he is single ,is about my age and is very shy.

Do I bite the bullet and ask him to go for coffee?

My constant problem is my work hours. I absolutely love my job as it is a complete turnaround from years of being a professional ( nursing administrator /teacher) now semi retired and financially independent.

Silly question I guess

Ruth

Ruth:
It is not a silly question at all.

Old dating rules no longer apply…but unfortunately no one knows what the ‘new’ rules are, which makes dating protocols pretty confusing.

Men typically like to ‘ask’ for the date, however most need clear signals that a woman likes them before they will risk the asking and face possible rejection. Shy men are even more reticent to take the leap. Women can definitely indicate their interest in having a coffee. But they need to do it in a way that gives the man the “choice” to ask her.

Here is what I suggest:

If you haven’t engaged your Purolator man in light, easy conversation yet, you need to start doing that every time you see him. This will create a comfortable space between you. You might begin by saying something very general like “How are you doing today?” and offering a sincere compliment like “I am always impressed by how professional you look, even on a wet day like today!”.

The next time you see him you could smile and say “Good to see you again today. By the way, my name is Ruth. See you tomorrow”.

Keep engaging him in conversation over several days and watch for signs of interest. Is he looking for you when he walks through the door, or does he seem ready to bolt every time he sees you?

If the signals indicate a green light, gradually increase the intimacy by sharing small bits of personal information and asking about his situation. You might share that your nephew is thinking about a job as a courier and ask whether he would need a special class of driver’s license. You want to create opportunities for unobtrusive, light conversation.

When you think the timing is right, say “If you ever want to grab a quick cup of coffee, let me know…I’d enjoy getting to know you if you are interested and available.”

If he doesn’t take you up on it, you know he is not interested. Don’t be offended. Continue to smile and say hello but don’t continue to engage in prolonged conversation.

Good Luck and keep me posted on what happens!

Frankie:
How effective is speed dating ? I've gone three times and each time came up empty. Without sounding conceited, I thought I was in the top 5 at each event in the looks and interesting departments. At each event, I checked at least 3 women. My batting average is zero. What are the chances that there would be no hits? Is this common? Do you know the statistics? Just about every woman at the event said it was their first time but most of the guys I smoozed with said they had done it before. Do the women lie or do they try it once and not bother filling out the match form?

Carlos


Carlos:
Singles events can be hit and miss – you just never know whether you’ll meet ‘the one’. So it is best to go to these events without a lot of expectations – simply try to have fun and practice your dating skills (opening gambits, flirting, closing, etc.).

The best advice I can give you is to cast your net wide by putting yourself into all types of situations where you will meet other singles - but understand that if your goal is to meet a 'qualified' potential partner, your likelihood of success will vary dependant upon the venue you select. Speed Dating is a Level II attraction venue, as explained below:

Level 1: Public places like supermarkets, wine festivals, flea markets, etc., with a large number of people, but with a slim to zero chance of finding someone suitable.

Level 2: Generic singles settings such as online dating sites, singles bars, speed dating, clubs and events, or personal ads, etc. While your odds increase because you have an opportunity to meet singles in one location, finding qualified partners is still a challenge. The only thing you may have in common is that you are single.

Level 3: Settings in which you share a strong interest with other attendees, like a ski club, fitness class, hiking club, theatre group, dance classes, etc., are great for making friends and provide an opportunity to meet a like minded partner, either directly or through a newly formed friendship. As you widen your circle of friends you have a greater likelihood of connecting with their friends, one of whom may be a perfect match for you.

Level 4: Settings in which you share important values, goals or passions can often be the best venues to meet someone who has the same requirements and view of life. Church groups, service organizations, volunteering, personal growth workshops, etc., are environments that help us focus on our values and understanding of what is important in our lives. When you meet someone who is running on a parallel track to yours, you know you share essential values. As with Level 3 groups, widening your circle of these friends could provide you with an introduction to your life partner.

In summary, go out there and keep your eyes open – knowing you may have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your princess.

Frankie:

My fiancée and I broke up because of his emotional involvement with his ex-girlfriend, her sister who is a single mother, and the sister's 17 yr old daughter. I have 2 boys from my previous marriage & I never felt he gave us what he gives his ex's family of himself. We are still in love with each other, but he says he will never give up his 'friends' for anyone and insists that I am the one who has to be OK with this. We've tried counselling, unsuccessfully. What do you think of his (or my) behaviour?

Karolyn


Karolyn:
You need to be clear why you are uncomfortable about your boyfriend’s involvement with his ex and her family. He says they are friends. Do you not believe or trust him? Are you afraid he will cheat and you will lose him?

Fear and insecurities are paralyzing because they restrain us from speaking our truth. Truth is liberating. What is your truth – and what is his?

Have a calm, honest and open discussion with him about why you feel threatened by this friendship. Ask him to be completely candid also – does he still have romantic feelings for his ex? Is he conflicted?

Once you both have a deeper understanding of the real issue, and if you wish to remain together, you will need to craft a compromise that satisfies both of you.

Good luck.

Frankie,
I have been dating someone that after many years of being widowed, taught me that I can love again. He is an amazing person and the issues we face are all related to his job and major changes that he has no control over. I stood by him through some tough times and hoped that when things settled down we would return to getting to know more about one another. We do not disagree or argue, enjoy one another and our families. Our goals, values and needs are compatible but the stress of early retirement is taking its toll on him. How do I proceed? The thought of losing this wonderful man breaks my heart.

Anon

Dear Anon:
The stress of early retirement has given your partner a myopic view of his world – one in which he feels boxed in, without options.

The truth is we always have options- we just need to look at our situation from a different angle to see the choices we have.

I am not clear what is at the bottom of his stress. Did he plan a specific retirement lifestyle that he can no longer afford? If so, what are his choices around retirement? Can he lower some of his expectations and still achieve the overall dream? Does he have other career options available to him, which would enable him to continue working to achieve his original goals? Would a relationship commitment with you help to alleviate some of his financial stress, by sharing the cost of your mutual dream?

Do you see what I am getting at?

Help him to navigate the options that are available to him, other than the black and white he sees. Co-create the new vision based on his change in circumstances, rather than struggling to retain status quo.

Good luck and all the best!

Frankie,

How can you tell if someone is interested in you? My friends say I keep missing the flirting signals that women send me. Am I clueless?

Jovan

Well Jovan perhaps you are clueless, but I don’t have enough information to confirm that! :)

Most men find it difficult to interpret the more subtle cues in women's body-language and are typically slow to catch on to flirtation unless it is fairly blatant. I think this has a lot to do with fear of rejection: if you misread the signals (men tend to mistake friendliness for sexual interest) and make a move, you could get a nasty rebuff – which no one relishes. But I always say: go for it. What’s the worst thing that could happen?

Some of us have become so worried about causing offence or sending the wrong signals that we are in danger of losing our natural talent for playful, harmless flirtation. Whether you are flirting for ‘fun’ or flirting with ‘intent’, it is an invigorating experience. Flirting can fire up your self esteem and libido, making you feel fully alive.

Go forth and flirt, Jovan!