Creating Healthy, Intimate & Fulfilling Relationships

Sarah:

Knowing when to introduce your children to a romantic interest is always tricky and every situation is different, but here are some guidelines:

1. Keep dates away from your home and children in the early stages of dating. Introductions should be reserved for dates who have the potential to become a future partner. Children can have high expectations and a relationship that doesn’t work out could be disappointing for them, especially if they have formed an attachment.

2. Make sure your dates are aware that you have children and that you want to put your children’s well being FIRST and take a new relationship very slow. Make certain your date has met your relationship requirements and has a high level of compatibility with you. Trust your intuition. If you don’t feel comfortable with something that person says or does, put the brakes on without delay.

3. The term "Friend" is appropriate for someone you're dating and at the outset of a relationship, it should also be true. When the time is right introduce your “friend”, include him in an outing that requires little one-on-one interaction – like a movie. Gradually increase the children’s exposure to him over time.

4. Don't expect your children to immediately adore your romantic interest or feel like you are an ‘instant’ family. They have a right to their own feelings. Anticipate your children’s reactions by understanding their perspective: a 12 year old may decide to dislike anyone you bring home, while a 6 year old might become too quickly attached.

5. Listen to your children. Pay attention to their reactions and to what they say about your date. Listen to the opinion of your friends and family as well.

6. Don't put your date in a position of making decisions about the kids, or in the middle of disputes between you and them, or you and their other parent.

7. Keep your promises to your children and don't interrupt their routines to date.

I just broke up with my girlfriend of 3 years about a month ago. I'm a 32 year old successful mortgage broker. I really wanted to get married, but she decided she just wasn't ready, that she wanted to concentrate on her career. I needed to move on because I want to get married and have a family and I know that wasn't going to happen with her. My career is great and I'm ready to settle down. I just thought it would be with her.

I've been feeling sad and lonely since the breakup. I made a clean cut because I didn't want to be emailing and talking on the phone as that would make things worse. I'm feeling a little hopeless about the future because I need to start all over to find the right woman for me. It seems like a daunting task!

My question is how do you work through the awful feelings as quickly as possible? I don't want to spend the rest of the year like this. I want to get out there and date again, but I know I'm just not ready. Do you have any suggestions on how to work through this and how to get back on track and focused as quickly as possible?

Derek

Derek,

Derek:
You made a tough choice, one most people wouldn’t have had the courage to act on: you ended a relationship with a woman you loved because of significant incompatibility. The issue of having children is without middle ground or room for compromise. Many people make the mistake of staying in a relationship even though some of their fundamental requirements are not being met. That’s why divorce rates are so high.

It is natural to feel sad and lonely because you are mourning your lost love, so take time to grieve. The experience of the last three years was not a waste; it played an important role in your personal growth - allow yourself to honor that. But rather than feel hopeless, try to envision a future of wonderful possibilities and hope! Now you have a real chance of finding exactly what you are looking for in a partner. Your likelihood of relationship success is extremely high, because you’ve demonstrated you have what it takes to make difficult choices based on your values and life goals.

Don’t feel pressured by time – remember slow and steady wins the race and since your eyes are wide open you will get there without detours.

Good Luck!