Creating Healthy, Intimate & Fulfilling Relationships

Frankie:
It was cool meeting you and your husband at last Saturday's POF (Frankie's Note: Plenty of Fish) Guinness speed dating event. My friends and I had an amazing time, even though we've heard complaints from others who atteneded. What did you think of the evening?

Sasha

Sasha:
I thought it was a wonderful opportunity for singles to meet. Online dating is a very common way for singles to connect, but there is nothing better than an opportunity to meet face to face.

Organizing a speed dating event for approximately 1500 people was an enormous job. Kudos to Kris and her team for their hard work. Sure there were a few minor glitches, but that was to be expected. I think overall it was a terrific event and at $10/person was a real bargain.

I’m 37 years old and I’m dating a man who’s 45. We’ve both never been married, but I have been engaged in the past but had to break it off because of my ex-finance’s parents who interfered with the relationship. The man I’m currently dating has never been married, but he says it’s something he really wants to do.

We’ve been dating for about 3 months and have talked about marriage, but in a general sense. He’s never asked anyone to marry him before and that worries me. It also worries me that he hasn’t been married – he hasn’t made any type of commitment to anyone! We really enjoy spending time together and I wonder if there might be a long-term commitment in the future.

My girlfriends and guy friends say that I should move on, that men in their 40’s who have never made a commitment of any sort are really not good choices for dating. They don’t think he’ll change with me. I must admit I have my doubts as well as I read somewhere that men over 40 have a very slim chance of ever getting married. Also, at this age, he’s probably quite set in his ways and I wonder how that would affect him letting anyone in to his life.

Can you shed any light on this issue? Do you think I should cut my losses and move on? I’m just not so sure what to think? Do you think I’m dating someone who intends to stay a bachelor for life?

Heather

Heather:

It is likely too early to determine whether you two have a future together as you have only been dating for 3 months, but some of your concerns need to be discussed with him. It appears you are looking for a long term committed relationship and are proceeding with him on that basis. Is he looking for commitment as well? If you are both on the same track, then the next step is taking the time to ensure you are compatible for a long term partnership. If you have different goals and requirements then yes, you do need to move on.

Just because an individual has never been married doesn’t mean there is cause for concern. Look at your own situation – there are reasons why you haven’t been married yet – doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you! Many singles don’t want to make a mistake and are very choosey and careful about entering into commitment -- which is a good thing.

Frankie

Dear Frankie:
Finally I have mustered the courage to write in .....here goes. My boyfriend and i have been seeing each other for just over two years. The first year was exciting and intimacy was no problem at all. The second year started off with a bang and now we rarely have sex. This is not a problem on my part. I love being with him. He on the other had has issues, he is always tired or will simply refuse to have sex. He has no problem with cuddling or being lovey dovey but when it comes to sex that is a straight no no. I have tried several times to find out and ask what the problem is. Each time he ignores the topic. Help me Frankie, because I feel as though without sex this relationship is doomed. I love my man but feel as though I'm not good enough for him. I take excellent care of myself, and always am very affectionate. He on the other hand is somewhat affectionate and doesn't take care of his outward look. Help Me. Signed No Intimacy Woman.

Francesca

Francesca:

I'm glad you wrote.

Something is definitely wrong with this picture. The frequency with which couples engage in sex does diminish over time. Initially couples who may have sex on a daily basis, gradually move to 3-4 times a week after a year or two – and then less frequently as time progresses, because life gets in the way. Couples need to work at making time for sex, as it plays an important role in helping them to stay bonded. Plus it feels good!

You have the right to some answers so you can make an informed choice about whether you want to continue this relationship. Sometimes love just isn’t enough. Sex is a necessary part of a loving partnership, so don’t fall into the trap of trying to justify why you should accept a relationship that doesn't include sexual intimacy. Can you honestly envision spending the rest of your life with a man who won't have sex with you? Is that acceptable to you...honestly? Don't you deserve a wonderful relationship that has it all? Please don't settle for less than what you want.

And Francesca…this is about him and NOT you, so STOP thinking that you are not good enough. I think you have been extremely patient and supportive – now it’s time for him to fess up. It is your right to know the truth. Is he on anti-depressant medication? Is he conflicted about his sexual orientation? Is he seeing someone else? What is going on?

Tell him you need to discuss this matter and don’t take no for an answer.

Good luck!