Creating Healthy, Intimate & Fulfilling Relationships

Frankie:
What is your opinion on Speed Dating? I have never tried it but have heard conflicting reports from friends who have. Some said it was a big waste of time and others said it was an okay experience but not great. Is it a good way to meet people?

Dan

Dan:
Speed dating is a great way to meet a lot of people in a short amount of time. It can be fun if you have the right attitude and follow a few basic guidelines. It’s important to relax, have a good time, and not have any expectations around outcome. If you don’t make any matches, try not to despair, go to another event and keep honing your skills.

Here are a few tips to make the experience enjoyable:

1. Don’t go Solo - Take a friend
Taking a friend will alleviate a lot of the awkwardness that you might feel if you went alone. It is also fun to compare notes or get another opinion.

2. Limit your Drinks
Often speed dating events are held at bars so it is easy to go overboard by drinking too much as a way of trying to relax and become less inhibited. However, drunken behaviour is not going to make a good impression on anyone. Decide your beverage limit in advance and stick to it.

3. Bring Business Cards
Exchange business cards with as many people as possible even if there is no attraction. You never know where a contact will lead you, so network shamelessly.

4. Be Authentic
Just be you. Don’t pretend to be someone you are not. You will either be liked for who you are or not – better to have someone like the genuine you rather than a fake. Believe it or not, being authentic will give you a confidence boost.

5. Smile
A smile is inviting and shows that you are warm and friendly. It will also help the person you’re talking to feel comfortable. Putting someone at ease in a stressful situation is a big plus and will win you brownie points.

6. Come Prepared with your Ice Breaker
Let’s face it, you only have a few minutes to make a memorable impression on a stranger, so make the time count. Come prepared with an opening statement or question that has some impact. Don’t ask “What line of work are you in?” That is too boring and run of the mill. Differentiate yourself by saying something that reveals a little about yourself and will jumpstart the conversation.

7. Don’t be too Quick to Judge
Be realistic about what you are really looking for in a relationship. Is outward beauty your only requirement in a date? If not, try not to judge and dismiss people too quickly. The decision you need to make is not about selecting a life partner, it is simply “do I want to meet this person again to see if we have anything in common?”

8. Speedy Follow-up
Don’t delay in contacting your mutual matches even if it means setting up several coffee dates in one week with a few people.

Good luck and have fun!

Frankie:
I understand the concept of being non-exclusive, but what about having sex? Is it appropriate for me to have sex even when I am non-exclusive or should I wait until I am in an exclusive relationship?

Lianna

Dear Lianna:

For many people, having sex doesn’t require commitment or exclusivity. What goes on in your sexual life is your business – only do what you feel comfortable doing. Just be safe and take all the necessary precautions. Too often we act based on others’ expectations and judgments, even when it conflicts with what we feel is right for us. Only you know whether you will feel at ease having sex in a non-exclusive relationship. It is your decision entirely – and it is private.

Sex is a good thing but often people confuse great sex with relationship compatibility. That is a dangerous dating trap which can often lead to premature commitment between people who are not well suited. Awareness is the best strategy for manoeuvring the many dating minefields.

Hi Frankie,

I would like to get your opinion about something. My male friend who is a lawyer was asked out for a date by a female lawyer. She picked an expensive restaurant and when the bill came she did not offer to cover it.

At what point can we expect our female dates to pay 50% or the whole thing?

Thank you very much.

Derek

Derek:

This woman’s behaviour is deplorable! A woman who invites a man for dinner should expect to pay, but the man should offer to split the tab, especially if this is a first date. A classy lady would graciously thank the man and suggest he pay the next time.

In our culture because men are the ones who typically ask for the date, women misconstrue this to mean men should also be responsible for paying. Women need to be proactive and broach the topic of who pays on dates, and in my opinion singles should split the bill until they reach a point in their relationship when ’who pays’ no longer matters.

Frankie