Creating Healthy, Intimate & Fulfilling Relationships

My husband travels a lot and most of the time I am home with our pre-school children without him. I am discovering that we have very different approaches to parenting. When one of them does something wrong, I take a gentle approach. I try to find out if they know they have done something wrong. Once that is established and I can see some evidence of remorse, I comfort them while at the same time emphasizing that this was clearly wrong. Then, together, we clean up the mess or right the wrong.

My husband takes a much more stern approach, using a gruff tone of voice and harshly involving them in righting the wrong or cleaning up the mess.

I am concerned about this, especially since he isn't around a lot. I am afraid the children will experience fear in his presence. I can see the look of fear in their eyes when it is happening. And at least one of them seems more tense when he comes home. I have tried to talk with him about this, but I don't think that he understands how scary this is for them and for me.
Do you have any suggestions about how I could approach him more effectively.

Concerned Mother

Dear Concerned Mother:

As parents you need to jointly define the approach you and your husband will consistently take regarding disciplining your children (and all other aspects of parenting). Then you both need to follow through with the rules and process that you have agreed upon, without variance. This demonstration of teamwork (togetherness) will help your children understand that the two of you are one parenting unit; will help them understand that boundaries and consequences are consistent; and most importantly make them feel safe.

Your goal will be to achieve a mutual agreement with your husband that is a win/win for the entire family and removes him from the role of bad guy. Approach him from that standpoint: ask his help to co-create and implement the guidelines that will help your children grow into fine adults.

Frankie

I’m a single guy, 35 years old and am definitely interested in getting married in the next couple of years. I’ve been dating this really nice woman, single, 31 years old, for about three months. I really like her and think she might be "the one". We share many common interests, have similar future plans, and we have a great time together. I like her and want to get to know her better.

But, I have one big problem. She’s always talking about her family, how great they are, and tells me about the nice times she has visiting with them when she’s not with me. They actually only live a couple miles from her home.

The weird thing is that she has never once asked me to attend a family event with her so that I could meet them. I talked to her about this, but she didn’t seem really engaged in the conversation and merely says, "it’s too early in the relationship to introduce you to them." Is this a "red flag"?

Is there something wrong when someone doesn’t introduce you to their family or should I just give her more time? I think three months of dating is plenty of time to qualify for "meeting the parents." What do you think?

Brad


Brad:

Your girlfriend has made it very clear that in her opinion it is too early to introduce you to her family. From your perspective you feel the time is right -- but it isn't up to you, is it?

If you want any possibility of a future with her don't push this issue. She isn't ready: she is still determining whether you are the 'one' for her. Pay attention and respect her wishes.

Continue to get to know her and practice patience. The silver lining is that when you do get the invitation to meet her family it will be because she sees you as the special man in her life. Isn't that worth waiting for?

Frankie

Dear Frankie:
I am married with 3 kids and feel like I am alone in my marriage. My husband acts like my 4th child. He is so uninvolved in parenting choosing to be the buddy rather than the Dad and undermines me at every turn. He sets a poor example for our kids because he is a big slob. When I try to discuss that our marriage isn't working he just gets hostile and refuses to communicate. I am so unhappy and don't know what to do. I am afraid of where this is heading.

Donna

Donna:
Your relationship needs professional help. If the two of you don't start communicating and working together to get your marriage back on track it will only be a matter of time before it implodes.

Step one is to get your husband to agree to see a marriage counsellor or relationship coach. Set aside a time when the kids are in bed or elsewhere, to have a chat. Tell him you are very worried about where the marriage is heading and are concerned about the welfare of your children should the marriage dissolve. Express that you understand he also has needs that are not being met within the marriage and that you want both of you to be happy in your relationship. Ask him if he is willing to work with you to get some professional help to save your marriage.

Donna, try not to be confrontative or accusatory. The marriage is in its current state because the two of you do not have a win/win process for communicating what you are feeling. As a result there is a lot of pent up anger and hostility that both of you are venting. Unfortunately your children are the casualties of that power struggle.

I always advise couples to look at their options. If they don't take action to change and improve their relationship what will be the outcome? How will it affect their lives and that of their children? Taking a hard look at those unpleasant scenarios can be quite sobering.

You can affect dramatic and positive changes in a marriage if you make the decision to do so. Getting help is the first step.

Good luck!