Creating Healthy, Intimate & Fulfilling Relationships

Frankie:
My husband and I have been married for just over 2 years. Lately our relationship hasn't been as passionate as it was in the past. Should I be worried that he doesn't want sex as often? Is it a sign that he loves me less? I am confused and afraid to think the worst. Help!

Cassandra

Cassandra:
What you are experiencing is a normal phase of marriage: you are shifting from the newlywed stage into the long term relationship development phase.

Unless you see signs of unusual behaviour in your husband (like suddenly needing to work a lot of overtime, or receiving too many 'wrong' number calls to your home), don't worry.

The honeymoon phase of a marriage is a great period of experimentation and sexual expressiveness but eventually other priorities surface and couples find they have less time and energy for sex.

What was spontaneous in the first year or two of marriage may now require a bit of planning to achieve the same result - and there is nothing wrong with that at all. Just be aware and understand that it is life getting in the way of what previously was a huge priority for both of you.

Plan a romantic evening and seduce your hubby. The result can be just as stimulating as your early times together.

Good luck!

I met a woman three years ago and fell in love with her. We had a wonderful first year together and I proposed. She was everything I wanted in a wife. She was clear with me that she really wasn't interested in having children. She was much more focused on her career. That wasn't a big deal to me. Our families were very supportive of our relationship. Everything seemed great.

Then, about six months after we became engaged, she developed a debilitating illness. She was hospitalized for a couple of weeks. Eventually she moved in with me. It turns out that her illness is chronic and will only continue to progress. She is very depressed about this as you can imagine. All her plans for a career have been derailed. She is unable to do a lot of the things she did in the past.

Some members of my family are now concerned about our getting married. They question the kind of life we can have together. They don't like it that we won't be having children. She has learned about this and it is creating difficulties for us.

I love my fiance and I love my family. How do I handle this?

Caught in the middle


Dear Caught in the Middle:

There are two issues here:

1. A life altering situation has developed with your fiancée that has changed her perspective, goals and state of mind. It also will impact your own life significantly.

2. Your family is naturally concerned about your future, however their expression of concern is creating a problem.

The questions you need to ask yourself are: How does your fiancée's situation impact you? How will this affect your future life together? Do you have any unspoken concerns about moving forward with marriage?

If you are still committed to the relationship then you need to advise your family of your decision and request that they do not express unsolicited opinions about your life with your partner. Ask for their support in helping both of you through a very difficult time.

I also recommend that you consider coaching or counselling for your partner and perhaps yourself. You are facing some challenges and both need to be fully present to deal with them effectively. Depression is debilitating and will rob you of the opportunity to manage this crisis successfully.

All the best to you both,

Frankie

If you are dating, how do you build trust in your relationship?

Eric


Before I answer your question, I want to clarify that there are 3 different types of dating relationships:

1. Short-term Recreational Dating which is all about having fun and meeting social needs. There is no exclusivity and limited emotional involvement between the parties. It is a way to practice dating skills and learn more about yourself and how you interact with the opposite sex.

2. Long-term Committed Dating in which the purpose is to find a life partner. It is non-exclusive but the goal is to eventually be in an exclusive relationship with the right partner. If you are serious about finding the right one, becoming exclusive prematurely with anyone takes you out of the game. You don’t want to be unavailable when your perfect match comes into your life. In this type of dating people assess whether their dates meet their requirements and needs. Gradually as they get to know their dating partners they decrease their boundaries and increase their emotional investment.

3. Mini-Marriage is a dating relationship which meets short term needs while the partners are still unclear about the future. One or both partners are unsure about the relationship or don't consider it to be a good long term choice. Typically this dating relationship is exclusive, although not committed and there is usually early (even immediate) emotional and physical involvement with few boundaries. The big problem here is that both people have limited their chances of finding their ideal mate because they are in an exclusive dating relationship that has no real future.

If you are in a short-term recreational dating scenario, I don’t think the requirement for trust is a big issue.

Trust needs to be defined by the individual. What does it mean to you? For example, does it mean sexual and emotional fidelity? Does it mean you could trust a person with your debit card pin number?

Once you are clear on your definition, can you assess whether the woman you are dating has those values? How does she demonstrate her trustworthiness?

Trust takes time to develop and is built and tested over a period of time. It is built by expressing your requirement for it. For example, if sexual and emotional fidelity is how you define trust, then you need to tell your partner this is one of your requirements.

By testing, I mean paying attention to situations in which trust is a necessary component. How does she meet or fail your expectations around trust?

What would it mean to your relationship if she couldn’t be trusted? Would you end the relationship or would you settle for someone whose values are different from yours?

Frankie

Dear Frankie,

Do long distance relationships really work? I met my soulmate at one of the dating sites a year ago, we met last valentines , we fell in love, but my thing is , I am longing for someone who can be with me on Friday nights, going to movies and concerts ( which I am really a big fan of oncerts).

He lives in the UK and I live in Mississauga, he is the man I wanted all my life, very sensible and established, but he won't give up his life in the UK and there is no way that I am moving there,( as i have 2 kids here ).

What are the chances that this relationship will last until I will be free from the responsibility of my children? Should I give up this relationship and find someone close to me ? Pls help.

Sagrada


Dear Sagrada:

You don't say how long before you expect to be able to move to the UK. I sense it isn't going to be anytime soon and therein lies the problem.

Long distance romances can be both delightful and painful...providing extreme emotional highs and lows: a rollercoaster that is not representative of real life.

When both parties are committed to making it work there is a chance of success, but it is still a difficult and complex situation. Until you are able to be together full time you will both experience unfulfilled needs and desires. The longer you are apart, the more aware you will become of what is missing in your day to day lives; things that can't be satisfied by a long distance relationship - things that will eventually drive you apart.

In my experience if there is not a strong desire to be together that results in one party moving...then how genuine is the relationship? How committed are the two parties when neither are willing to do what it takes to be together?

You are putting a lot of store in the potential of a future with this man.

Should you look for someone closer?

Evaluate your circumstances from a logical perspective, putting aside all emotion. Ask yourself if you are willing to put a large part of your life on hold for a number of years before you can be together. How will you keep the relationship alive and strong during those years? Will you visit each other frequently or not? Has he stated that he wants to marry you or be in a committed relationship with you? How can you guarantee that you will both feel the same way about each other when you are finally ready to be together?

So many questions...but the bottom line is that a successful relationship requires work. Being apart makes it extremely difficult to do that.

Good luck.

Frankie

Frankie,
Why is it that whenever I look for dating advice or information about meeting women it always revolves around "closing the deal". In other words the books and advice out there seem to be all about a game to help men bed women. I already know how to have sex, I want to know how to find a woman I can fall in love with.

James, 29 in Austin, TX

James:
I agree with you completely! I have been coaching singles for many years and in my experience most single men are not interested in just having meaningless sex and bed hopping, they genuinely want to find their love partner.

There is a lot of bad advice out there in articles and books written by men for men...and frankly there is a general lack of respect for the intelligence of the men who seek this information (not to mention their female 'prey'). The authors incorrectly assume that most men today are only interested in superficial sex, when in truth many are looking for meaningful and committed relationships.

My biggest complaint about this type of lame advice is their recommendation to play a game with another's emotions and to pretend to be something you are not.

If you are serious about finding the love of your life, you need to be authentic...there is no substitute for the real man. Why pretend to be something you are not, or play a game? There are other ways to achieve the goal of meeting women.

I teach men how to be real…how to be confident…how to tap into what women want…but it isn’t a game. It’s about being the man you truly are. That is the sexiest thing any man can be.

Maybe I'll come down to Austin and run one of my workshops...

Frankie

Frankie:

I have had pre-cancer cells and am therefore not willing to go on the pill anymore. But guys don't seem to enjoy condoms, understandable, and i don't want to use any contraceptives as they all impede on my health in some way; I'm simply not willing to put my health at risk for the sake of having a sexual relationship. So I guess this means no relationship? What are your views?

Mary in Australia


Mary:
Contraception is only one reason to use a condom. Even if you were able to use other forms of contraception, you still need a condom as a preventative measure against contracting STDs or HIV. (Even then, there is no 100% guarantee, since condoms can leak or break.)

Of course men prefer not to use condoms! Any man who tries to convince you to forego the requirement for a condom is a selfish oaf. All he cares about is his momentary pleasure and nothing else, including you. Pay attention to that signal.

Don't deny yourself sexual pleasure because a man "doesn't like" to wear a condom. If he wants to have sex with you, he will need to wear one. Condoms are mandatory! No exceptions. You'll be surprised at how quickly he will agree!

The only time anyone should consider not using a condom is if:

• they are in an exclusive, long term sexual relationship;
• they have both been tested for STDs and HIV; and
• they are prepared as a couple for the consequence of pregnancy.

Frankie

Dear Frankie
For the past two years I have been involved with a guy who is 8 yrs my junior. We have had a lot of good times, but for the past year, we have had more rough patches than anything else.

He doesn't show affection or emotions very often, and that makes me mad. I'm the opposite. I show love all the time and go great lengths to be with him. He has a bad tendency to make me feel less of a person - he has said to me three times to date that he is not attracted to me. An apology has followed each time and i have gone back to a rocky relationship. Of late I have begun to feel very unhappy. We split 6 weeks ago, after a fight and since then he has stated that we are on a break and although i have asked to move on, he keeps saying if that is what you want then go. I keep changing my mind each time and long for him to come back.

Last week he came to visit with a belated birthday gift and left the next morning.

Our intimate moments are very bland. He doesn't enjoy intimacy and sex with him is not enjoyable.

Still I have continued to be patient and blamed his lack of interest on his work and school issues.

As for me I know I'm very personable, and can get any other man I choose. Yet I want this loser. He isn't at all what I would want to be like if I were a man.

Still I forgive him for his mean words - but he continues to be more selfish.

What should I do?

Regards
G


Dear G:

You are holding onto someone who doesn't appear to be fulfilling any of your needs. In addition, he treats you poorly.

As long as you are tied to this man, you won't be available for the relationship you truly want.

You deserve a man who thinks you are amazing; who treats you with respect and caring; who makes you feel alive, cherished and loved. Don't settle for less.

Do you really need me to tell you what you should do?

Frankie