Creating Healthy, Intimate & Fulfilling Relationships

Frankie:

I have discovered that my husband has been visiting an online sex chat room looking for encounters with local women and couples. I am so upset by this discovery, even though I am a broadminded person. I guess what hurts the most is that he is doing this behind my back. If he wanted to 'play' online I would be fine with it, but wanting to take it to real life crosses the line for me.

I can't believe he has been so deceptive. What do I do now?

Anon

Dear Anon:

Calm, open communication is required immediately. Set aside a time (when you won't be disturbed) to talk with your husband about what is going on; about how you both feel; and what he is looking for that has made him search outside your marriage. Tell him (calmly) that you have discovered what is happening, allowing him to come prepared to the discussion so he is not blindsided and hopefully not in defensive mode. Try not to be reactive. This situation must be resolved to your mutual satisfaction before it escalates out of control. If you both stay focused on the goal of understanding what is 'missing' from your partnership and working to remedy it, you will have a good chance of success.

I have a big problem with sex chat rooms in general and this is why: On the surface cyber interactions can appear to be purely recreational fun. It is the epitome of safe sex - from a physical standpoint. But the danger for people who are partnered is that they may unknowingly be looking to fulfill emotional needs that are currently not being met in their real life relationship. This makes them vulnerable and the cyber relationship can hijack their emotions. When that happens, they can become increasingly distant from their partner and ultimately it could result in complete detachment and partnership breakdown.

As I always say " the grass only looks greener on the other side of the fence from a certain angle." My advice to anyone who feels the need to look outside their partnership for physical or emotional love: make the effort to work on your relationship before you inadvertantly put it a grave risk. So often in my coaching practice I encounter couples who just need help with their communications process. The relationship isn't really broken...it's just that some of the communications wires have been crossed.

Frankie

I’m a single guy, 42 years old, divorced with no children, and am definitely interested in getting married in the next couple of years. I met this fantastic woman on the internet 4 months ago. She’s 37, never married and incredible. We’ve only seen each other, in person, four times (for several days each time) as I live in Del Mar, California and she lives in Santa Fe, New Mexico. I never thought I could find someone with whom I seem to have so much in common.

My friends say I’m crazy to even consider a long distance relationship. Am I?

Neither of us has discussed plans to move, yet there is an undeniable truth that we’re both incredibly attracted to each other on all levels and that we would like to take things further. I’m told there are thousands of wonderful women in San Diego County who I could easily date and see more often. For some reason, however, I’ve not been able to find anyone I’m particularly attracted to in my own area. While it’s definitely not fun to have a relationship like this, what do you think the chances are of making it work? I used to think long distance relationships were insane, until I had it happen to me.

Should I continue with this or move on and try something else?

Is long distance just too far to make a real connection?

Mark

Dear Mark:

Long distance relationships only work as a casual dating situation, when both individuals just want to have fun and get together on occasion. Once you cross the threshold of considering that person as a potential life partner, things change and trouble could be brewing. Here is why: love partners need to be together in order to make a relationship work. This means that one of you will have to move (or both of you to a new location). The longer you put off having this discussion, the deeper you will get into the relationship without having any idea of where it could be heading. That is dangerous and puts both of you at huge emotional risk. If neither of you are prepared to move for love, it is best to know that immediately and cut your losses - as painful as that may be. It won't be any easier to land at this crossroad 6 months down the road. Have a serious chat with your lady love once you have considered your own situation and assessed your options.

Good Luck!

Frankie

There's a wonderful story I would like to share with you from Lettie Cowman's book, Springs in the Valley:

A traveler came to the jungles of Africa loaded with a huge number of supplies. Many porters had to be hired from a local tribe to carry the goods. On the first day the group moved quickly and covered a lot of miles. The traveler was very pleased and had high expectations of a fairly speedy journey. But on the second morning these same tribesmen refused to move. For no apparent reason they just sat and rested.

The traveler was perplexed and inquired as to the reason for this strange behavior. He was informed that they had gone too fast the first day, and that they were now waiting for their souls to catch up with their bodies.

Lettie Cowman concludes with this prophetic comment: "This whirling rushing life which so many of us live does for us what that first march did for those poor jungle tribesmen. The difference: they knew what they needed to restore life's balance; too often we do not."

What is most incredible is that Lettie Cowman wrote these words almost fifty years ago.

What about you? Are you waiting for your soul to catch up with your body?

Frankie

If there is one common theme I hear repeatedly from the singles I coach, it would have to be how difficult it is to deal with rejection.

Rejection sucks: not only because of how it makes you feel (unwanted, unworthy, unattractive, inadequate...the list goes on), but because it can often trigger undignified behaviour in the one who was rejected. Unfortunately these behaviours only intensify the humiliation one feels at being rebuffed.

For example, if a man is not interested in a woman he’s met in a bar, his body language, tone of voice, facial expression, and even his words provide a crystal clear message that he wants to end the conversation. She may appear oblivious to his lack of interest and might continue to try to flirt with him, perhaps until he feels forced to be blunt or rude.

Why does the woman in this example not see the train wreck coming? Because something compels her to prove this man’s judgement about her is incorrect. In those moments her entire self-worth is wrapped up in a stranger’s hastily formed opinion of her. The result is self-debasement as she tries to further engage the man rather than extricating herself from the situation. At some inner level she is aware of what is occurring, which just adds to the pain and embarrassment she feels.

So, how does one handle rejection?

Most people believe there are only two ways to handle it:

• You either put your head down, suck up the emotional pain and stay in the game; or
• You yell ‘uncle’, run for the hills and forget about playing the dating game altogether.

Well, neither of those options holds any appeal for me. The reason: both scenarios demonstrate a letting go of control by placing a single in the role of being the ‘chosen’ versus the ‘chooser’.

Dating for the purpose of finding a life partner is a serious endeavour. A great love match is an important component of a fulfilled life. It is why we all yearn to love and be loved.

Why then, would you permit a stranger to have any control whatsoever over this crucial area of your life?

When a single becomes conscious about who they are, what they want out of life and in a future partner, they shift into the “Chooser” mode. Conscious Dating becomes a means of ‘sorting’ through potential candidates to find a person who matches your requirements.

It may seem like a rather pragmatic approach to a matter of the heart, but it makes perfect sense and it works.

By establishing your list of relationship needs and requirements, you will always be the Chooser. No more anxiously awaiting someone’s approval.

No more rejection.

Question:
I just turned 50 and am single again after 25 years of marriage, which ended in divorce. I want to date but find that the social scene for singles is pretty much split into two groups: young and over the hill. I am neither and I resent this artificially imposed age barrier that prevents me from meeting suitable, active people who are a bit younger or close to my age. All I seem to meet at outings for my age group are men who are in their 60's and 70's. Who screens these guys anyway?

How do I find single men in my age group?

Carole B.

Carole:
The best advice I can give you is to develop a plan of action that covers a number of bases and puts you into situations where you will meet people - but understand that if your goal is to meet a 'qualified' potential partner, your likelihood of success will vary dependant upon the venue you select.

I categorize attraction venues as follows:

Level 1: Public places like supermarkets, wine festivals, flea markets, etc., with a large number of people, but with a slim to zero chance of finding someone suitable.

Level 2: Generic singles settings such as singles bars, clubs and events, or personal ads, etc. While your odds increase because you have a opportunity to meet singles in one location, finding qualified partners is still a challenge.

Level 3: Settings in which you share a strong interest with other attendees, like a ski club, fitness class, hiking club, theatre group, dance classes, etc., are great for making friends and provide an opportunity to meet a like minded partner, either directly or through a newly formed friendship. As you widen your circle of friends you have a greater likelihood of connecting with their friends, one of whom may be a perfect match for you.

Level 4: Settings in which you share important values, goals or passions can often be the best venues to meet someone who has the same requirements and view of life. Church groups, service organizations, volunteering, personal growth workshops, etc., are environments that help us focus on our values and understanding of what is important in our lives. When you meet someone who is running on a parallel track to yours, you know you share essential values. As with Level 3 groups, widening your circle of these friends could provide you with an introduction to your life partner.

Question:

I have been out of the dating scene for a few years and it’s only been recently that I've found the confidence to date again. I lost over 50 pounds and I have never looked better in my life. (I am 34).

But I am not sure if the dating scene has changed or if I am sending out the wrong signals to the men I date. My last 3 "first" (and last!!) dates have ended in a mess with the man suggesting we have sex.

Don't get me wrong, I am not a prude, but that is just too fast for me. What am I doing wrong? Am I giving off the wrong signals? Am I dressing too provocatively (I don't think so - I just wear clothes that fit.)

Help me understand what is going on!

Too Sexy for my Own Good

Dear Sexy:

Just because a woman wears a sexy outfit doesn't give a man license to make assumptions about her moral character. In fact, no one has the right to judge another.

Don’t change who you are, or how you express yourself through dress, just because you’ve had a few unpleasant experiences. Be yourself. Authenticity always rules.

I do suggest however, that you be more careful screening the men you date. You may want to consider a few casual “activity” dates first, such as taking in a hockey game or going skating. You can arrange to meet at the venue, (take your own vehicle or the subway), then go for a quick coffee afterwards and part ways. This is a great way to get to know someone first without getting into an awkward, intimate situation.

Frankie

Question:

I am a decent looking guy, am fit, pretty balanced, own my home and have a well paying job. All my friends don't understand why I'm not already married. They think I am a great catch. So here is my question: Why do I have such a difficult time approaching women to ask them out? I get so nervous I actually get tongue tied and feel like a complete idiot. The result is I no longer even try to ask women out. I am beginning to think I'll be a bachelor forever.

Tongue Tied

Dear Tongue Tied:

I suspect you are focusing too much on the anticipated 'outcome' of your encounters with women. Take it one step at a time. Step one is engaging in light conversation with no other objective than to have a pleasant chat. That way you will feel no pressure and hopefully no anxiety to 'perform' and be the perfect potential date.

Just be you. You have friends who think very highly of you, so you must have some great qualities. Just be your authentic self and try not to overthink the situation.

If you find you have some things in common with a woman, and would like to get to know her better, try asking her to join you at an activity that interests both of you.

Frankie

Question:
There is a woman I am interested in at work (ok...I am crazy about her) but every time I ask her to go out with me, she has an excuse. Isn't she interested in me? Am I being rejected but don't know it yet?

Confused in Toronto


Dear Confused:

I have more questions than you do!

First, asking a co-worker out is a bit tricky. You've heard of office affairs that have gone bad with devastating career results. I don't know what the working relationship is between you two, but that could be part of the problem. If either of you are in a subordinate role to the other, dating is definitely NOT a sane idea. It just gets too complicated and the possible consequences are not worth it. Don't go there.

She may not want to date a co-worker, but doesn't know how to tell you in a nice way that will not adversely impact the business relationship...or, she is really not interested...or, she is truly busy each time you have asked her.

Regardless...and please pay attention to this: my recommendation is to stop asking her. Your repeated attempts are bordering on harassment. There are thousands of single women in the GTA - go find one who is right for you.

Frankie

No matter who we are, or where we live, or what our cultural or ethnic background, we all have ONE common need: to love and be loved.

Love makes us blissfully happy. It puts a smile on our face and a spring in our step. When we are in love, all is right with the world. Life couldn't be better.

Then why do so many people have trouble getting love right? Why do so many marriages end in divorce? (1 in 3 in Canada) Why do families suffer the heartbreak of custody battles? Why do people keep repeating the same old mistakes over and over?

Well, it doesn't take a physicist to figure it out:

• We weren't born with a roadmap to guide us through the love traps; we learn (hopefully) by trial and error, but at what a tremedous cost to us and our families;
  
  
• When we are smitten by love logic seems to take a sudden, extended vacation, leaving a huge void for emotion and sexual passion to fill...and fill it they do...quickly! Is it any wonder that Stats Canada now reports that most divorces occur in the third year of marriage?

Yep...eventually the vacation is over. While sex and emotion move into hibernation, logic comes back to find insurmountable compatability issues. What happens next? Chuck it in! This is a disposeable society; we want instant gratification so on to the next relationship.

But wait a minute...

If we all want love and a fabulous relationship that will last and improve with each passing year, why then do we behave as though we are in a race to the finish line? What is the darn rush? It's like sending the first person to Mars without providing the training, tools and equipment they need for a successful mission.

So sure, you may have snatched the prize in your speed to get into a relationship, but it's a hollow victory when it doesn't last. You won the booby prize as it turns out.

And it was completely avoidable.

How?

By making intentional, conscious choices, with clarity, about who you are and what you want before you step one foot into the race.

When it comes to relationship choices, despite romantic promises and fantasies, there are no guarantees or predictable outcomes. But your chances of being successful increase dramatically when you pay close attention to your real needs and consciously make partner selections based on mutual compatability.

That's the key to finding a great match for you.