Stress is Blinding
Frankie,
I have been dating someone that after many years of being widowed, taught me that I can love again. He is an amazing person and the issues we face are all related to his job and major changes that he has no control over. I stood by him through some tough times and hoped that when things settled down we would return to getting to know more about one another. We do not disagree or argue, enjoy one another and our families. Our goals, values and needs are compatible but the stress of early retirement is taking its toll on him. How do I proceed? The thought of losing this wonderful man breaks my heart.
Anon
Dear Anon:
The stress of early retirement has given your partner a myopic view of his world – one in which he feels boxed in, without options.
The truth is we always have options- we just need to look at our situation from a different angle to see the choices we have.
I am not clear what is at the bottom of his stress. Did he plan a specific retirement lifestyle that he can no longer afford? If so, what are his choices around retirement? Can he lower some of his expectations and still achieve the overall dream? Does he have other career options available to him, which would enable him to continue working to achieve his original goals? Would a relationship commitment with you help to alleviate some of his financial stress, by sharing the cost of your mutual dream?
Do you see what I am getting at?
Help him to navigate the options that are available to him, other than the black and white he sees. Co-create the new vision based on his change in circumstances, rather than struggling to retain status quo.
Good luck and all the best!
I have been dating someone that after many years of being widowed, taught me that I can love again. He is an amazing person and the issues we face are all related to his job and major changes that he has no control over. I stood by him through some tough times and hoped that when things settled down we would return to getting to know more about one another. We do not disagree or argue, enjoy one another and our families. Our goals, values and needs are compatible but the stress of early retirement is taking its toll on him. How do I proceed? The thought of losing this wonderful man breaks my heart.
Anon
Dear Anon:
The stress of early retirement has given your partner a myopic view of his world – one in which he feels boxed in, without options.
The truth is we always have options- we just need to look at our situation from a different angle to see the choices we have.
I am not clear what is at the bottom of his stress. Did he plan a specific retirement lifestyle that he can no longer afford? If so, what are his choices around retirement? Can he lower some of his expectations and still achieve the overall dream? Does he have other career options available to him, which would enable him to continue working to achieve his original goals? Would a relationship commitment with you help to alleviate some of his financial stress, by sharing the cost of your mutual dream?
Do you see what I am getting at?
Help him to navigate the options that are available to him, other than the black and white he sees. Co-create the new vision based on his change in circumstances, rather than struggling to retain status quo.
Good luck and all the best!
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