Conflicted Parents - Confused Kids
My husband travels a lot and most of the time I am home with our pre-school children without him. I am discovering that we have very different approaches to parenting. When one of them does something wrong, I take a gentle approach. I try to find out if they know they have done something wrong. Once that is established and I can see some evidence of remorse, I comfort them while at the same time emphasizing that this was clearly wrong. Then, together, we clean up the mess or right the wrong.
My husband takes a much more stern approach, using a gruff tone of voice and harshly involving them in righting the wrong or cleaning up the mess.
I am concerned about this, especially since he isn't around a lot. I am afraid the children will experience fear in his presence. I can see the look of fear in their eyes when it is happening. And at least one of them seems more tense when he comes home. I have tried to talk with him about this, but I don't think that he understands how scary this is for them and for me.
Do you have any suggestions about how I could approach him more effectively.
Concerned Mother
Dear Concerned Mother:
As parents you need to jointly define the approach you and your husband will consistently take regarding disciplining your children (and all other aspects of parenting). Then you both need to follow through with the rules and process that you have agreed upon, without variance. This demonstration of teamwork (togetherness) will help your children understand that the two of you are one parenting unit; will help them understand that boundaries and consequences are consistent; and most importantly make them feel safe.
Your goal will be to achieve a mutual agreement with your husband that is a win/win for the entire family and removes him from the role of bad guy. Approach him from that standpoint: ask his help to co-create and implement the guidelines that will help your children grow into fine adults.
Frankie
My husband takes a much more stern approach, using a gruff tone of voice and harshly involving them in righting the wrong or cleaning up the mess.
I am concerned about this, especially since he isn't around a lot. I am afraid the children will experience fear in his presence. I can see the look of fear in their eyes when it is happening. And at least one of them seems more tense when he comes home. I have tried to talk with him about this, but I don't think that he understands how scary this is for them and for me.
Do you have any suggestions about how I could approach him more effectively.
Concerned Mother
Dear Concerned Mother:
As parents you need to jointly define the approach you and your husband will consistently take regarding disciplining your children (and all other aspects of parenting). Then you both need to follow through with the rules and process that you have agreed upon, without variance. This demonstration of teamwork (togetherness) will help your children understand that the two of you are one parenting unit; will help them understand that boundaries and consequences are consistent; and most importantly make them feel safe.
Your goal will be to achieve a mutual agreement with your husband that is a win/win for the entire family and removes him from the role of bad guy. Approach him from that standpoint: ask his help to co-create and implement the guidelines that will help your children grow into fine adults.
Frankie
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