Cheating in Cyber Space
Frankie:
I have discovered that my husband has been visiting an online sex chat room looking for encounters with local women and couples. I am so upset by this discovery, even though I am a broadminded person. I guess what hurts the most is that he is doing this behind my back. If he wanted to 'play' online I would be fine with it, but wanting to take it to real life crosses the line for me.
I can't believe he has been so deceptive. What do I do now?
Anon
Dear Anon:
Calm, open communication is required immediately. Set aside a time (when you won't be disturbed) to talk with your husband about what is going on; about how you both feel; and what he is looking for that has made him search outside your marriage. Tell him (calmly) that you have discovered what is happening, allowing him to come prepared to the discussion so he is not blindsided and hopefully not in defensive mode. Try not to be reactive. This situation must be resolved to your mutual satisfaction before it escalates out of control. If you both stay focused on the goal of understanding what is 'missing' from your partnership and working to remedy it, you will have a good chance of success.
I have a big problem with sex chat rooms in general and this is why: On the surface cyber interactions can appear to be purely recreational fun. It is the epitome of safe sex - from a physical standpoint. But the danger for people who are partnered is that they may unknowingly be looking to fulfill emotional needs that are currently not being met in their real life relationship. This makes them vulnerable and the cyber relationship can hijack their emotions. When that happens, they can become increasingly distant from their partner and ultimately it could result in complete detachment and partnership breakdown.
As I always say " the grass only looks greener on the other side of the fence from a certain angle." My advice to anyone who feels the need to look outside their partnership for physical or emotional love: make the effort to work on your relationship before you inadvertantly put it a grave risk. So often in my coaching practice I encounter couples who just need help with their communications process. The relationship isn't really broken...it's just that some of the communications wires have been crossed.
Frankie
I have discovered that my husband has been visiting an online sex chat room looking for encounters with local women and couples. I am so upset by this discovery, even though I am a broadminded person. I guess what hurts the most is that he is doing this behind my back. If he wanted to 'play' online I would be fine with it, but wanting to take it to real life crosses the line for me.
I can't believe he has been so deceptive. What do I do now?
Anon
Dear Anon:
Calm, open communication is required immediately. Set aside a time (when you won't be disturbed) to talk with your husband about what is going on; about how you both feel; and what he is looking for that has made him search outside your marriage. Tell him (calmly) that you have discovered what is happening, allowing him to come prepared to the discussion so he is not blindsided and hopefully not in defensive mode. Try not to be reactive. This situation must be resolved to your mutual satisfaction before it escalates out of control. If you both stay focused on the goal of understanding what is 'missing' from your partnership and working to remedy it, you will have a good chance of success.
I have a big problem with sex chat rooms in general and this is why: On the surface cyber interactions can appear to be purely recreational fun. It is the epitome of safe sex - from a physical standpoint. But the danger for people who are partnered is that they may unknowingly be looking to fulfill emotional needs that are currently not being met in their real life relationship. This makes them vulnerable and the cyber relationship can hijack their emotions. When that happens, they can become increasingly distant from their partner and ultimately it could result in complete detachment and partnership breakdown.
As I always say " the grass only looks greener on the other side of the fence from a certain angle." My advice to anyone who feels the need to look outside their partnership for physical or emotional love: make the effort to work on your relationship before you inadvertantly put it a grave risk. So often in my coaching practice I encounter couples who just need help with their communications process. The relationship isn't really broken...it's just that some of the communications wires have been crossed.
Frankie
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